I had a call from my good pal Alan last week. It was good to hear from him as I can’t remember the last time I saw him.
He’d been out shopping and wanted to tell me what he’d seen. After buying a pineapple, spark plugs, a pint of diesel, and a small box of After Eight Mints [don’t ask…] he popped into DFS. He wasn’t wanting to get anything there, but heard an altercation going on so couldn’t resist taking a peek.
Apparently a couple wearing Sevco tops were arguing the toss with the manager. Alan gathered that the man was called Billy and his wife was named Billie. They had gone in to buy a new sofa as their wee twins Billy and Billie had ruined the old one reenacting the Battle of the Boyne using real horses that they had somehow brought into the house.
Mr and Mrs McStauch were aggrieved that every single sofa in the shop had already been sold. No matter how many different sofas they asked about the story was always the same: it had been sold to another customer.
What made it worse was that the folk who had bought the sofas were still in the shop.
And they were gloating about the quality, comfort and price of their purchase.
And every single one of them was a Celtic fan.
Wearing the Hoops.
As you can imagine, Billy and Billie were having none of this. They accosted the shop manager and complained loudly that it wasn’t fair that they had missed out on ‘their’ sofa and they were going to have to go elsewhere on account of the “Bheasts” not knowing their place.
The manager apologised, but said that the company was in the business of making money. As such, the cash of people who were (somewhat implausibly) all called ‘Timmy’ and able to pay quickly was perfectly welcome in the store.
Alan tells me that this only served to wind-up Mr and Mrs McStaunch even more. They started shouting and saying that the board of the company would be hearing about this. During the course of their epic rant it turned out that the sofa situation wasn’t the only seating aggravation they had experienced that day:
- Mr McStaunch had found himself unable to have his morning hour-long dump at home. He’d gone into the bathroom and found his practical-joking neighbour Timmy O’Timothy sat on the toilet whistling Oh What A Beautiful Morning.
- Their efforts to relax in the park were thwarted when every single bench was taken by Celtic fans who were singing You’ll Never Walk Alone at them.
- A Celtic-supporting Doctor laughed at Mrs McStauch when he said “take a seat” and she fell on her arse because the Celtic-supporting nurse whipped away the chair.
- Mr and Mrs McStaunch had to stand all the way on the bus to DFS because an unlikely number of Hoops-wearing Celtic fans had got on at the previous stop and taken all of the seats.
In the end, the DFS manager tried to calm them down by saying that he might be able to help them by letting them in on a trade secret.
Intrigued, the McStaunches stopped shouting.
The manager explained that despite what everyone thinks, DFS actually sells a sofa that is not in the sale. Just one. And they could buy it provided that they promised never to speak of it to anyone.
Sadly, the news that the sofa had to be paid for in full, upfront and in cash prompted Mr and Mrs McStaunch to go off the deep end and shout something about onerous financial terms being a perfectly sensible way of paying for things.
Alan tells me that in the end the aggrieved pair stormed out of the shop saying that they would “Give fucking Timmy what’s coming from our seats in the Broomloan at the Old Firm* game on Sunday.”
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…