The Chocolate Fire Guard

Good Evening.

The Clumpany loves a nice traditional open fire. Clumpany Towers may be situated in the ether, but you still can’t beat that lovely flickering glow, warmth and smell from a real fire. It really sets off the whole fireplace and my collection of memorabilia on the mantlepiece. A collection which includes a signed picture of Mr Custard, a piece of the True Dave King War Chest and a copy of Rangers’ exiting-administration certificate*. [* Only joking!]

However, with an open fire comes a responsibility to be vigilant in matters of safety. You can’t be having sparks flying out and igniting things, or folk getting too close and burning themselves. And it was with safety in mind that I was encouraged to try something new a while back. I say ‘encouraged’ but the truth of the matter is that the Ethereal Fire Authorities came round one day and said that my fire now needed to be held to a higher standard of safety.

I asked them what was so different about my fire that it required a different approach, but they never gave me an entirely satisfactory answer.

Anyway, feeling that I had no choice, I duly put the Chocolate Fire Guard in front of my fire and hoped to be protected from unfortunate incidents. I must admit that I didn’t have much confidence in it. My experience of chocolate is that it tends to melt at the first sign of heat. But what do I know?

Ten minutes passed, and the Chocolate Fire Guard turned into a sticky brown puddle. I immediately called the Ethereal Fire Authorities and reported what had happened. They said that Chocolate Fire Guards continued to be their Approved Product, and must be used.

The melting and replacement continued for ages. Eventually, I explained to the Ethereal Fire Authorities that I already had a perfectly good metal fire guard that I could use, and that there was an entire range of durable fire guards on the market if they only cared to take a look. This didn’t go down well and it was hinted that I might not be taking fire safety seriously enough.

All the while my ethereal carpet was getting more brown and ever more sticky, and I was beginning to lose hope of ever being able to ditch the chocolate-based approach to fire safety.

And then one happy day, the Big Ethereal Assembly decided to do something about it. Moved by the campaigning of others whose carpets were also unnecessarily brown and sticky, it took a vote and stopped the use of Chocolate Fire Guards at a stroke.

It was a great day for proportionate fire safety based on the use of existing and most-likely adequate fire guards.

Hopefully the Ethereal Fire Authority will now encourage their extensive use when and where required!


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…