Media, Satire, Scottish Football, SFA

Stewart Regan: It’s Time To Go

Regan

Good Afternoon.

The Clumpany notes that at least one of the papers has finally decided it is time for Stewart Regan – one-time Orville to Campbell Ogilvie’s Keith Harris – to leave the SFA.

We all know that the Scottish sports media likes to confront the big issues. So I wouldn’t be surprised to see this ‘piece’ published tomorrow…

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Crunch Time: Why Regan Has To Resign

The SFA’s beleaguered Chief Executive has gone too far. He is clearly the wrong man for the job and should clear his desk.

By H. Owling

This paper believes in giving everyone a chance, and has no doubt that Stewart Regan is a decent man whose heart is in the right place. He has overseen Scottish football during a tumultuous time which would have crushed lesser cricket administrators, and has clearly been committed to his job.

However, we cannot in all good conscience stand by and see calamity unfold on his watch. This paper therefore says that Regan’s time is up!

It is one thing to have problems recruiting a new Scotland manager. We’ve all been there. However, it is quite another to take the last Chocolate Digestive from the biscuit plate during an informal meeting with our top team over coffee.

Yes, that is correct. There has been a harrowing Chocolate Digestive incident.

It was certainly nice of Mr Regan to invite us over to Hampden for an off-the-record chat about the continuing search for the next Scotland manager following Michael O’Neill’s decision to reject the SFA’s advances. We will always listen to what Regan has to say, and if he’s prepared to type out the words for us too, we might just slap them in the paper unedited.

It was also welcome that Mr Regan made the comfy chairs available to us during the meeting. What’s more, his subsequent decision 30 minutes later to invite us to actually sit on them was a credit to him.

His hospitality reached truly standing ovation-worthy levels when he asked a colleague to bring in the biggest plate of biscuits you have ever seen. Our top team had never previously experienced such a bounty of biscuits! Not wishing to offend our host, we tucked in while Mr Regan wittered on “blah blah blah blah blah…”

At great length – and with expanded waistlines – the biscuit plate was reduced to four Rich Tea biscuits and a solitary Chocolate Digestive. Mr Regan, who had not drawn breath for quite some time, and who had not touched the delightful light refreshments, finished his monologue with a flourish of  self-congratulatory “blah blah blahs”, took a sip of his now-cold coffee and – without so much as a by your leave – picked up the final chocolate digestive.

This shameful display shocked our top team, who sat open-mouthed and drooling as Mr Regan greedily and selfishly devoured that biscuit in a manner that was clearly calculated to mock us. In an effort to maintain the sort of decorum which was clearly beyond Mr Regan, we did not scream “oi that was my biscuit you greedy b*stard” in his face. Instead, we stated that we had no questions for him and left at great speed, pausing only to run back in from the car park to grab the remaining Rich Tea biscuits.

This kind of affront to our national sport has to stop. Scottish football deserves better than having the last Chocolate Digestive whisked away from it.

Mr Regan may have helped to save* Rangers, and he may run the fairest, most widely-respected governing body in the whole of sport, but that counts for nothing when biscuit greed is allowed to run amok.

This paper will always make the big calls when necessary. Stewart Regan has clearly proven himself unfit for the office he holds, and we call on him to go with immediate effect.

Hopefully leaving a big packet of Chocolate Digestives for his replacement to feed us with.

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#KeepOnClumping
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

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