Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

“I haven’t joined Hearts” says Steven Naismith

NaismithGood Evening

It turns out that this is the 900th Clumpany blog. I am sure you will agree that from day one it has been a spectacular exercise in not concentrating on my own team. Many thanks for all your interest and support.

And now down to business…

Look out for this ‘article’ not appearing in a newspaper any time soon…


“I haven’t joined Hearts” says Steven Naismith

The ex-Rangers star almost traded blows with Ann Budge and Craig Levein at Tynecastle.

By A. Lost-Plot

The return of former Rangers hero Steven Naismith to Scotland almost ended before it had begun amid some truly bizarre scenes. Having been linked with a return to Ibrox, it came as a shock when Naismith arrived in Edinburgh for a loan spell with the Jambos which will last until the end of the season.

The forward – who has fallen out of favour at Norwich City – was about to be unveiled to the press when he remarked to Budge that he was delighted to be joining “SevHearts”, and that it was great to see them building up so successfully from nothing.

One eyewitness explained, “Ann went ballistic and asked what he meant about ‘building up from nothing’. Naismith must have got the wrong end of the stick somehow, and he explained to Budge that it was a real shame that a great old club like Hearts with all its history and tradition had been unable to pay its bills and had been liquidated.

“Craig quickly moved to stop Ann offering Naismith a square go, and bluntly told him that he obviously didn’t know what he was talking about. He said it was still the same Hearts that Naismith had known when he was growing up.

“Naismith didn’t like being spoken to like that. He said that he understood why Craig and Ann might want to believe that fairytale, but he was in no doubt that he wasn’t joining Hearts, he was joining ‘SevHearts’ instead”

Our insider explained that a full-blown shouting match then broke out with Hearts staff telling Naismith he was out of order and was going to alienate the fans as well as the board who had put all put time and money into saving the club.

“In the end, Ann looked like she was storming off to call Norwich and cancel the loan deal, but she quickly reappeared with a piece of paper and practically slapped Naismith across the face with it!

“Naismith immediately realised it was a certificate confirming that Hearts had exited administration. He stared at it for a couple of minutes without saying a word. Then, a single tear of joy ran down his cheek and dripped on to the page. It was a beautiful moment.

“He then hugged the piece of paper and embraced Ann and Craig. He apologised over and over again for his error, and for suggesting that folk might have stood idly by and watched Hearts die.

“Regaining his composure, Naismith suddenly exclaimed, ‘This is brilliant! I’ve not joined SevHearts, I’ve joined Hearts! Wait until I tell the lads at Sevco about it! They’ll want to come over and see some proper intact history!’

“And with that, he went out to meet the press, wearing the biggest smile you will ever see”.


How times change, eh?


Rangers in crisis: I haven’t quit Rangers – I have quit Sevco, says gutted star Steven Naismith

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…