A number of alarming reports reached me this morning from the Clumpany Space Monitoring Centre. They stated that a number of UFOs had approached the Earth in formation at incredible speed, and had entered the atmosphere over Northern Europe.
I immediately dispatched a top Clumpany Agent to investigate.
By lunchtime he had tracked down the UFOs to an implausibly-deserted car park on the outskirts of Glasgow, where no one else had spotted them. Remarkably, the UFOs were exactly like the most cliched flying saucer you could imagine from the most hackneyed of science fiction movies.
My agent tried to sneak up to the saucers for a closer look, but was seen by the extra-terrestrial visitors and beamed aboard, where he immediately feared for his life.
The Leader of the grey-skinned, big-eyed aliens had him restrained on a table and began to ask some questions.
Alien: [*Hissing*] “I want to know…”
Clumpany Agent: [*Shaking in terror*] “I’ll tell you anything!”
Alien: “I need to know…”
Clumpany Agent: [*Becoming hysterical*] “Anything at all. Absolutely anything I know about planet Earth, its Leaders, its people, its politics, its history, the most important countries…”
Alien: “I MUST know…”
Clumpany Agent: [*Losing it completely*] “I’ll tell you ANYTHING!”
Alien: “It is imperative that I know…”
Clumpany Agent: [*In tears*] “Please! Just ask me and I will tell you!”
Alien: [*Annoyed*] “Cease your prattling! I want to know where I can find this Graeme Murty entity.”
Clumpany Agent: [*Bewildered*] “What?! Graeme Murty the Sevco manager?”
Alien: “Is there a second Graeme Murty being on this planet?”
Clumpany Agent: “No, just one. And you will find him at Auchen, Auchen, Auchenhow… err… the Sevco training ground. I can give you the address. Have you got a pen?”
Alien: [*Staring silently*]
Clumpany Agent: [*Relaxing a little*] “No, I don’t suppose you do pens, do you?”
Alien: “We will find this ‘Sevco training ground’.”
Clumpany Agent: “Good. But why are you here? And why Graeme Murty?”
Alien: “We have the ability to travel anywhere in the Universe, and to explore millions of galaxies, but we have made haste to Earth as quickly as possible. We have heard many things about the wonders of the Universe, and one day we may see them all.
“However, the opportunity to work with the Great Murty was too tempting to pass up. So here we are.”
Meanwhile, in less plausible ‘news’…
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…