Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Administration Rumours


Good Evening.

The Clumpany has just been speaking to an imaginary member of the Scottish sports media about rumours that the latest Ibrox-based holding company, basket of assets, engine room subsidiary thing (but NOT the ‘club’) might be about to go into administration. They seemed a bit flustered, but in the interests of satire, here is what they had to say…


Journo: “I can categorically state that Rangers* will not go into administration”.

The Clumpany: “How do you know that?”

Journo: “Because I have access to the facts of the matter.”

The Clumpany: “What facts? Actual real fact-y, fact-like, facts?”

Journo: “Yes. Facts.”

The Clumpany: “Actual real fact-y, fact-like, facts? Supported by evidence? Genuine evidency, evidence-like, evidence?”

Journo: “Absolutely. Premium-grade evidence.”

The Clumpany: “So you are saying that rumours of administration are a pile of shite? Steaming shite-y, shite-like, shite? Like a nervous Grand National field might pump out after a night on the beers and kebabs?”

Journo: “Indeed. The rumours are nonsense.”

The Clumpany: “Proper nonsense? A tsumami of pish? A tidal wave of pishy, pish-like pish? Like a disaster movie where a seaside town is flooded because a group of 50 lads on a Stag Do can’t find a toilet after four days of drinking lager?”

Journo: “Rangers* are not a disaster movie. But yes, the suggestion of administration is complete rubbish.”

The Clumpany: “Absolute rubbish? A bulging landfill site of  rubbishy, rubbish-like, rubbish?” 

Journo: [*Impatiently] “Yes! Rangers* are not going into administration. They are doing quite nicely, as their recent forays into the transfer market have shown. There has been some magnificent business done by the board of late.  Pure alchemy!”

The Clumpany: “Go on then…”

Journo: “‘Go on’ WHAT?”

The Clumpany: “Show me the evidence.”

Journo: “‘Of what?”

The Clumpany: “That ‘Rangers’ aren’t going into administration.”

Journo: “Goodness me, is that the time?”

The Clumpany: “Not so fast! Come back here. What is the evidence that ‘Rangers’ will not go into administration? And please don’t show me a puff piece about Pena being offloaded to a grateful South American nation for more money than you can shake a stick at.”

Journo: “Do you ever worry about being seen as an obsessive fantasist?”

The Clumpany: “Evidence please!”

Journo: “An unfunny obsessive fantasist?”

The Clumpany: “I’m not going away. What is this evidence you have seen?”

Journo: “OK then. Just to shut you up…”

The Clumpany: “Spit it out…”

Journo: “Accounts! It’s in the accounts! All is well!”

The Clumpany: “But we saw the accounts at the end of last year, and while they didn’t suggest imminent insolvency, they were certainly bleak.”

Journo: “You don’t understand.”

The Clumpany: “Try me…”

Journo: “Well, there are accounts and then there are ACCOUNTS. It’s all about knowing where the key information can be found.”

The Clumpany: “WTF? Have I stumbled into an episode of 3-2-1? What’s with the riddles, and where the hell is Dusty Bin. NO, don’t answer that! He’s in Florida for that pretend cup competition, isn’t he…?”

Journo: “The key information in THE accounts clearly indicates that Rangers* are in good financial health.”

The Clumpany: “Which accounts? I am not going to put up with your deflection. I will keep asking until you answer me.”

Journo: “OK, but you didn’t hear it from me.”

The Clumpany: “Of course…”

Journo: “The proof of Rangers’* strong finances comes from the accounts…”

The Clumpany: “Yes, go on…”

Journo: “…from the accounts…”

The Clumpany: “I can’t bear this tension! Tell me FFS!”

Journo: “…from the accounts that were.. errr…”

The Clumpany: “Aaaaaargh!”

Journo: “…from the accounts of the overall situation that were provided to me by the PR operation. They told me a really positive story!”

The Clumpany: “So not actual accounts with numbers in them? You mean an oral account of the position?”

Journo: “Don’t be ridiculous. They came by email. And what lovely emails they were! The first one was entitled ‘An Account Of How Brilliant Rangers’* Finances Continue To Be’ and called me by by first name!”

The Clumpany: [*Stunned silence*] [*Almost imperceptible shake of the ethereal head*]

So there you have it! All is apparently well.

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…