Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Derek McInnes: A Total Loser

Good Evening.

The Clumpany has had a sneak preview of a fictitious article which won’t actually appear in a newspaper tomorrow…

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Loser McInnes Knocks Back Gers* Charity

The Aberdeen boss has let his family and himself down by refusing to accept Rangers’* generosity.

By U. Turn

Underperforming failure Derek McInnes reverted to type last night as he spurned Rangers’* charitable offer to let him be their next manager.

In a move that surprised no one – least of all this paper, which never fancied the Aberdeen manager for the biggest job in football – McInnes bottled the chance of a lifetime and opted to remain at the backwater that is Aberdeen FC.

A source close to Rangers* confirmed that McInnes had only been offered the job because Ibrox board members have a big heart and an unrelenting commitment to helping those less fortunate.

“Derek was given the opportunity because the board felt sorry for him having to turn up every day and put a shift in at lowly Aberdeen” said our insider.

“No one actually wanted him to have the job, but their good nature got the better of them and they made Derek a big money offer with the promise of a huge transfer budget to topple Celtic.

“But he didn’t fancy it. I haven’t actually seen Derek’s underwear, but I have no doubt it was soiled when he thought about the honour of managing Rangers*. He’s a loser and Rangers* have had a narrow escape. Especially as they never wanted him anyway.”

In recent weeks this paper brought you a series of exclusives about how completely unsuitable McInnes was for the Ibrox hot seat, and our top team repeatedly cautioned the Light Blues against taking on such a hopeless individual.

Our prediction that McInnes would never be the Rangers* manager came true last night when a clearly-relieved Aberdeen published a statement confirming that he would remain at Pittodrie as a key part of their pursuit of mediocrity.

Rangers* fans meanwhile have taken to social media to confirm that their board is absolutely correct in everything it does, and also to celebrate the club’s lucky escape.

One fan, @NotReallyJTraynor commented “The board has played a blinder once again. No one wanted McInnes. The millions can be spent backing a proper manager”.

Rangers* are yet to identify their preferred candidate, but our mindless headlines in support of whatever bizarre course of action they take next are already prepared.

Fuck Derek McInnes.

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