Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Things Are Buzzing At Sevco!

“You saw a bee this big? It must have been one of the smaller ones…”

Graeme Murty has got things buzzing, says Lee Wallace

By B. Keeper

Lee Wallace admits Graeme Murty has brought a buzz back to Rangers after installing hives at a newly-renamed Honey Park.

Murty was asked to “FFS sort this shambles out” upon his return to the first team fold last month as Pedro Caixinha paid the price for producing a team with all the organisation and effectiveness of a light blue-arsed fly.

The Under-20s boss has two wins from two and an egg cup-full of honey to his credit after threatening to put the beehives in the dressing room if his players “didn’t buck up their ideas quickly”.

Murty will continue to take drastic bee-related steps while the search for Caixinha’s replacement is ongoing at Ibrox.

Wallace said: “F*ck me! Bees! Get them off me. No, I won’t stand still. Little bastards!

“Yes, as Jim wrote in these carefully-prepared ‘spontaneous remarks’, the players have got a good feeling in and around the training ground. Especially when we can hide in a broom cupboard away from those bees. 

“We prepared well for the Hearts game. I’ve never seen the lads run as much or as fast as they did when Murts put those beehives on the pitch. Kenny Miller was moving so quickly you wouldn’t have thought he was a day over seventy.

“And when the gaffer threatened to bring the bees in to do the the half-time team talk, there was no way the lads wouldn’t put on a good performance. They’ve heard what bees are like. No one wants a tea cup thrown at them by a swarm of bees.

“It says here that it’s hugely enjoyable to work under Murty. And it is. When he’s not walking around in a beekeeper outfit waving his arms and shouting at the bees to ‘encourage’ the players. Poor Wes in goals is having a nightmare trying to catch balls with 100,000 bees trying to sting him. But as I’ve been asked to say, Murts: what a guy! 

“I could go out on the training pitch occasionally to see how the players are coping. But f*ck that! I’m staying at a safe distance while I am out injured.

“There has always been a dialogue there between us. And jars of honey. Murts and I do love some honey with a world class breakfast. But I’d rather have the normal honey which is made in a factory than have millions of bees about the place producing novelty stuff that probably doesn’t even taste like honey. 

“But now he is back in charge I think everybody is trying to pretend they are enjoying it rather than have to explain themselves to Murty’s Angry Swarm. Obviously, everyone here always says that ‘we welcome the chase’. But bloody hell, not if it’s being chased by a swarm of bees!

“It says on my not-really-a-script here that ‘everybody is buzzing’. Too right. The whole f*cking place is buzzing. Aaaargh! Get off! Get off me….”

Lee Wallace then broke off the interview to flee for his life.


And in completely unconnected news…

Graeme Murty has brought a buzz back to Rangers, says captain Lee Wallace


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…