Celtic, Media, Satire

Celtic Fans: The Worst In The World

Good Evening.

Here is some news.

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Experts cast doubt on value of Celtic’s ‘Best Fans’ award.

By U.R. Pish-Talking

Celtic’s so-called ‘success’ in the ‘Best Fans’ category of the Best FIFA Football Awards2017 has been trashed by top experts in the field of expertise.

The full-stadium display – a 50th Anniversary tribute to the misnamed ‘Lisbon Lions’, who were once exposed by DNA scientists as not actually being big cats – was applauded at the time of its unveiling by Celtic fans.

A Professor of Crowd Stuff who asked not to be identified by our attempted newspaper was damning when asked a hilariously leading question. “Self-praise is no praise!” he exclaimed.

“Where were the busloads of art critics to offer a genuine critical analysis of the tribute?”

A fellow academic was also quick to put the boot in.

A highly-respected Doctor of Environmental Things pointed out the massive carbon footprint of all the fans travelling to the stadium, and suggested it could add as much as a completely hypothetical amount to global temperatures before the day is out. Shockingly, he also said a few random things about “clearing up the rubbish afterwards, landfill, and blocked shipping lanes.”

The Chief Harrumphing About Drinking Officer for Scotland also had their say. “People would probably have had a drink before and after the match where that display was shown.” he said.

“FIFA are sending out a terrible signal by giving this award to Celtic fans who drink. Why not give the award to a fan base that never touches booze, instead?”

A top European expert in Arm-Related Bullshit Punditry added her voice to the criticism of the award-winning Lisbon Lions display. “Have you any idea how much damage people will have done to their arms when lifting up their card?

“I don’t. But I’m not going to let that stop me from saying that it was utterly reckless in the expectation that you will print it! Shame on the organisers for risking people’s joints and muscles like that.”

Finally, just as this piece was about to go to press we received an unprecedented phone call from the Global Head of Petitions and Moon-howling at the United Nations who was in a high state of alarm.

I can’t believe that FIFA has been so stupid as to give this award to Celtic fans” she said.

“It’s an absolute outrage. Have they any idea about the extent of the seethe that is going to ensue? Have they the first clue about the tsunami of snide comments from media pundits and English football fans with amazingly-talented nans that is going to be unleashed?”, she continued.

“It could sweep humanity away. We could all drown in a sea of Sevconian tears. Mark my words, Celtic fans winning this award is a very bad thing.”

“A very VERY bad thing indeed.”

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And if you think that’s ridiculous, you may like to take a look at this:

Celtic win FIFA fans award for Lisbon Lions display before ‘unsafe’ flares controversy in match against Hearts😉

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