Long-suffering readers will be aware that The Clumpany is always delighted to encounter earnest upwardly-mobile Scottish football pundits.
No pearl of wisdom which they impart is EVER less than metaphor-mixing music to my ears. And so it was today that they managed to put me straight on a number of highly important matters when I least expected it…
There I was savouring a particularly enjoyable cup of early-morning coffee when one of them popped up to tell me that Carlos Peña had played an important – if imperceptible – role in its preparation.
Refreshed, I then took a stroll around the extensive parklands surrounding Clumpany Towers. Whereupon a pundit popped up to tell me that their beauty was down to Carlos Peña’s ability with a hedge trimmer, a lawnmower and a well-deployed pile of manure.
After my morning constitutional, I read the Sunday Mail and unsurprisingly got a bit of a headache. So I took some paracetamol. And just as I swallowed them, another of the wannabe pundits popped up and said “you see that medical science? That’s Carlos Peña, that is. An unsung pharmaceutical genius!”.
Later, I popped out for a pint. There was a new guest beer on at my local so I gave it a try. I must admit that it was quite nice. And just as I was about to order another pint, one of those pundits popped up again and informed me that Carlos Peña was behind the micro-brewery that produced it! Who knew?!
After visiting the pub toilets – where a pundit informed me that Carlos Peña had performed miracles with the plumbing following the shower of shite left by the Scottish sports desks on a previous visit – I went back to Clumpany Towers and enjoyed a bacon sandwich.
To my astonishment it turned out that the tasty snack was completely made from ingredients sourced from Carlos Peña’s hitherto-unknown farm. Those pundits really are a fountain of knowledge!
I then watched some sport in The Clumpany Towers multimedia complex. Flicking through the channels, I was astonished to be informed by pundits (who somehow arrived in contravention of Clumpany security protocols) that Carlos Peña was having a great game in the netball, football, golf, tennis and NFL all at the same time!
What a guy!
Carlos Peña really does have hidden talents. Let us all take a moment – and possibly a subscription – to salute his multiple skills!
Now, if only Carlos Peña could mix a decent Buckie and Bleach cocktail…
What’s that you say, pundits? Carlos Peña has a well-equipped alcohol-production facility at a monastery? AND a chemical plant?
What a time to be alive!
Cheers Carlos! And thank you to all the pundits who keep the Peña flame burning. Without you, we really would think that he is utterly shite.
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun.