Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Big News From A Proper Newspaper

Good Evening.

Big imaginary tidings have been brought to The Clumpany’s attention…

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Exclusive: Stuff On The Internet Is Now Our Story

Astonished onlookers have marvelled at alleged MSM attempts to use stuff they saw on the internet ages ago, and pass it off as ‘exclusive’ stories.

By A. Complete-Chancer

Scotland’s mainstream sports media was today rocked by the shock news that quite a few of its articles might be very similar to stuff we once read on the internet.

The astonishing revelation came when someone who gets their news from online sources was bought a newspaper as a novelty ‘retroBirthday present.

The unlucky recipient explained that “My mates are always up for a laugh, and they know I love football, so they bought me one of those ‘newspaper’ things for a joke. They never expected me to read it, but I did!”

The person involved – who asked to remain anonymous in case the newspaper tried to get them to buy a copy every day – was shocked by what they found.

It was often just stuff I’d read online ages ago”, they explained.

“The thrust of the main story was so familiar! And the rest of it was just quotes or spin from football clubs and variations on tweets and blogs that I’d already read.

“I must admit that I got a bit obsessed with the experience and wondered whether these ‘newspapers’ even knew that they were in competition with the internet.

“It turned out that they did, and they even tried to do their own website! Sadly however, it was just the same sort of thing as the print edition, supplemented by trivial ‘stories’ which were occasionally about ‘what fans said on Twitter!’

“Sometimes the online ‘story’ would even be ‘footballer says something on Twitter’, but that’s not exactly news is it?

“Is it?”

Asked about these findings, Scottish football punditry expert Dr T. Clumpany explained “yes it largely seems to be vacuous shite. And quite often it is spun so dramatically that you could add some Persil and water and get your clothes clean before you can say ‘are you happy with that Jim?’”

In response to our questions, a spokesperson for the Scottish sports media arrogantly said “we know best”.

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…