You may have missed this article in an imaginary newspaper yesterday…
Scott Brown Never Touched That Caravan
Alfredo Morelos went down after no Scott Brown-related incident, and the Hoops skipper will quite reasonably face no disciplinary action.
By A. Realist
Celtic skipper Scott Brown will face no action because nothing happened at Ibrox.
Ibrox boss Pedro Caixinha was left seething for no apparent reason, however he accused Brown of aiming an elbow at his player. Or was it an arse? Pedro doesn’t know one from the other.
The pair even ended up nose-to-nose as the teams made their way down the tunnel at half-time and Brown was heard to say, “if you don’t have a team talk to give, do you mind fetching me another pair of slippers for the second half? And maybe the paper to read? And say hi to Kenny Miller for me if you are still speaking”.
Nothing untoward happened seconds before the interval as Brown played football in the general vicinity of Morelos.
In a shock development, referee Craig Thomson did not blow for a foul because there was clearly no foul to penalise. And as a direct consequence of nothing happening, Scottish Football Association compliance officer Tony McGlennan has decided that nothing happened and he has gone for an early lunch to watch Bargain Hunt on the canteen TV.
Celtic striker Leigh Griffiths is also in the clear after doing nothing that could possibly leave him in any state other than in the clear. Gers* fans had wanted him taken to task for some random thing they thought they could pretend to take offence at.
The decision not to sanction Brown for doing nothing will inexplicably anger Caixinha, who warned the Celtic captain he would have sorted him out like an untidy caravan had he been on the pitch.
“I was angry at half-time, did you see it?” asked Pedro after the defeat which has seen his team slip further into the mire of failure.
“It’s the second time it happened. It was the same in April. I saw Brown’s elbows. This is not good for my players, but more importantly imaginary swinging elbows make a mess inside an imaginary caravan. I told the fourth official as well as the Caravan and Camping Club – but they let it go.
“Scott Brown was coming off and I told him, ‘You mess up that caravan, but if I was on the pitch you wouldn’t. The cushions would be straight, the washing up would have been done, a small lamp would have been switched on and some soothing music would have been playing’.
“I wouldn’t have allowed him to put his recyclable bottle of water in the wrong bin. If someone does something which may cause dogs to bark at the caravan I have to defend my caravan, my bins and the pleasant ambience of surprisingly-inexpensive mobile accommodation.
“If they don’t think it’s an outrage worthy of punishment it’s their decision. I need to respect while making plans to tidy the caravan.
“If I was in the caravan and I had to see Brown or other people like him causing untidiness with their elbows it would be a different thing. It was a shame that I couldn’t be in the caravan because I know the desire for order and caravan cleanliness I have.”
However, former English top-flight referee and suspected caravan enthusiast Dermot Gallagher played down the non-incident on the basis that absolutely nothing happened. Caravan-based or otherwise.
He told Sky Sports News: “I don’t know what’s upsetting Pedro, but there’s definitely nothing occurring in the film of the non-incident. Zero, zilch, nothing.
“I’ve seen caravans. Big things they are. They could do some real damage on a football pitch. There was no caravan there. Or camper van. Or tent. Not even an AGM gazebo. And you can’t miss a gazebo. Lovely animals. They are not keen on lions though. OOFT! I’ve seen them on wildlife documentaries. You get a lioness and a gazebo and there’s only one winner. And it’s not Dave King’s annual effort to secure the disapplication of preemption rights.”
And former Rangers* striker Steven Thompson claims Caixinha should be more concerned with the things that aren’t happening with his own side.
“I was bit embarrassed for Pedro Caixinha if I’m being honest,” the pundit told BBC Scotland’s ‘BarelyAnyFootballScenes’ programme. “He was trying to create a caravan kerfuffle, but he should be concentrating on nothing happening in defence, midfield, attack or in terms of credible tifos
“There was nothing in it. Scott Brown certainly didn’t ransack an imaginary caravan.”
And if you think the above is ridiculous… 😉
Further caravan shenanigans can be found here: