The Clumpany has just received a completely fictitious note from Hibernian Football Club which certainly wasn’t written about the time that they put out this yellow-bellied statement…
Dear Leith Launderama
Please find attached a sealed bag.
For the avoidance of doubt you should note that this has been specially delivered by a team of operatives wearing a staunch light blue hazmat suits adorned with the crest of the Scottish Football Association.
The contents of the bag require your urgent attention and dramatic intervention. Please deal with them as best you can so that we can hopefully present a vaguely credible image to the rest of the world at some point in the future.
It should be noted that your services are being procured on the basis of a strict non-disclosure agreement. Acceptance of our payment means that you will not under any circumstances disclose our very dirty secret…
The attached bag contains a pair of dramatically and spinelessly shat pants.
Please be aware that these pants do not contain any old shit. These festering malodorous undergarments contain the irrevocable stain and immovable solid residue of a truly epic trouser-soiling.
Sadly, Hibernian Football Club has absolutely lost control of its bowels in the face of the SFA being asked to participate in an independent review of the events which have affected Scottish football in recent years. Apparently the proposed review might look into the actions of key decision makers and seek to provide guidance on how the national sport should be governed in the future.
Although this might appear a reasonable request to some people, Hibernian Football Club has found itself subject to colossal and severely damaging pant-shitting. As such we must distance ourselves from this reckless bowel-challenging request for transparency.
Hibernian Football Club wishes Scottish football well and aims to play a full part in delivering its future success. However, it hopes that this success can ultimately be achieved via the medium of unsoiled trousers.
But for the avoidance of doubt, Rod Petrie not becoming SFA President will be a price too high… 😉
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…