Satire, Scottish Football, SFA

An Exclusive Interview With Stewart Regan

Good Evening.

Stewart Regan undertook some media engagements this morning. In them, he commented upon the SFA’s refusal to engage with a requested review into the governance of Scottish football in recent years.

Afterwards, Mr Regan didn’t sit down for a chat with The Clumpany.

However, had he done so, it might have gone something like this…


TC:“So Mr Regan, why on Earth would you reject a request on behalf of the senior league clubs in Scotland to participate in an independent review of how the game has been governed during one of the most tumultuous periods in its genuine, non-bought history?”

Regan:“It would be ridiculous to suggest a conspiracy.”

TC:“No one suggested a conspiracy Mr Regan. The SPFL requested an independent review of various matters of governance as a way of learning lessons and safeguarding against future events.”

Regan:“I am sorry, but you have no proof that we are hiding the existence of the Loch Ness Monster to protect the SFA.”

TC:“Did I mention the Loch Ness Monster, Mr Regan?”

Regan:“And the SFA is not covering up anything to do with the Roswell Incident in 1947. We behaved in an entirely proper way during that period.”

TC:“The Roswell Incident is entirely irrelevant here although I suspect Billy Davies blames it in some way for him still being out of football management. Anyway, about that review of the governance of the national sport of Scotland for which you have responsibility…”

Regan:“I am sorry, but I really must stop you there. I have never stood on a knoll – grassy or otherwise. To link me or the SFA to the sad demise of President John F. Kennedy is absolutely outrageous.”

TC:“But I didn’t do that. I simply wanted to ask why you don’t want to engage with a transparent exercise which will address any wrongdoing in the past, and reassure everyone that Scottish football will be fair in the future.”

Regan:“There you go again. I can reassure you that no one on the SFA Board is a malevolent shape-shifting lizard in disguise. It is scandalous to suggest otherwise.”

TC:“Is that an ultraviolet lamp you are sitting under, Mr Regan?”

Regan:“What? No. It’s… err… just ambient lighting that suits my complexion. Have you tried living in Scotland with its terrible sunlight? But anyway, how dare you suggest that Campbell Ogilvie never landed on the Moon. Have you seen the number of complete rockets at Hampden?”

TC:“I think we will leave it there, Mr Regan.”

Regan:“What? You can’t do that! This is a conspiracy to make me look ridiculous isn’t it?”


And if you think that is a complete piss-take, take a look at this:

Regan dismisses ‘ludicrous’ conspiracy theories as he sets out why SFA won’t join review


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…