Satire, Scottish Football

Craig Levein: The Best Man For The Job

“Yes the new manager IS a top talent Ann…”

Good Evening.

The Clumpany has been handed a completely fictitious transcript of the interview which led to the appointment of Hearts’ new manager…


Craig Levein: “So Craig, what skills do you think you can bring to the job of managing Hearts?”

Craig Levein: “Well I have done it before with some success…”

Craig Levein: “Really? Me too!”

Craig Levein: “Small world, eh?”

Craig Levein: “It certainly is! Anyway, about the attributes you could bring to the role…”

Craig Levein: “Ah yes. Well I think this club needs a strong Craig Levein-based approach and I am able to do all the things you would expect of a Craig Levein.”

Craig Levein: “That’s a good point Craig. I believe that Craig Levein skills are the sort of thing that any self-respecting ambitious football club should be looking to obtain. But frankly Craig, they are very hard to find. If you can assure us that you can bring Craig Levein to this role then we would be very interested in appointing you.”

Craig Levein: “Well I think I should have no problem bringing some Craig Levein to the job. And – if I may say so – I think I would be able to do it with the sort of Craig Levein-type excellence that you have brought to the position of Director of Football, Craig.”

Craig Levein: “Well that’s very nice of you to say so Craig. It certainly is non-stop Craig Levein in my office!”

Craig Levein: “And if you appoint me it will be just like that in the manager’s office too, Craig.”

Craig Levein: “That’s good to hear Craig. Now, as you know, we had Ian Cathro as manager until fairly recently. Can you give me some thoughts on why it didn’t work out for him? What mistakes did he make?”

Craig Levein: “Well Craig, I am not going to criticise another manager, but frankly Ian just wasn’t doing things in a Craig Levein sort of way. I for one wouldn’t have a laptop-based approach, and I wouldn’t struggle to get the players performing to a high standard week-in week out.”

Craig Levein: “That’s exactly my view as well Craig. Ian did his best but he didn’t deliver a Craig Levein-style period of success for the club. So it’s important that we now move in a Craig Levein-based direction. Are you up for that challenge? And do you think you could get along well with the senior figures at the club such as Craig Levein?”

Craig Levein: “I am 100% committed to doing things the Craig Levein way and am certain that I can work effectively with everyone at the club. Especially Craig Levein.”

Craig Levein: “That’s excellent. Really fantastic. I don’t think we need to continue this interview. I am really impressed with you Craig and am convinced that you can do the sort of Craig Levein job that I would do. The job is yours!”

Craig Levein: “That’s brilliant Craig! Thank you so much for taking a chance on me. I am sure you had a lot of other applications for the position.”

Craig Levein: “We did Craig, but they all lacked that crucial ‘Craig Levein’ quality that we were seeking. Billy Davies for example. He’s no Craig Levein and I could tell that as soon as I looked at him. Whereas you Craig, well you absolutely shine as a Craig Levein.”

Craig Levein: “Thanks Craig. I am delighted to be on board. I am thrilled that you think I am the best person for the job.”

Craig Levein: “There’s no doubt about it. If I was not destined to be the next Hearts manager, then I couldn’t have wished for a better appointment than you Craig Levein.”



NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…