Media, Satire, Scottish Football

A Royal Piss-Take

Good Afternoon.

Every now and then The Clumpany’s favourite attempted newspaper treats us to something that makes you stop and ask “who thought that was a good idea?”.

This week has been one of those times, for the Evening Shark-Jump has brought us extracts from a new book by none other than former Rangers (IL) player Andrei Kanchelskis.

My good friend Wikipedia reminds me that Kanchelskis played 76 games and scored 13 goals for the dearly-departed Ibrox club between 1998 and 2002. So he’s not exactly a ‘club legned’.

Nevertheless, that hasn’t stopped the Evening Shark-Jump from REALLY going to town on his autobiography. In fact they’ve gone to town, come back, gone to town again, come back and gone to town yet again. A cursory glance at the paper’s website reveals that seven articles have been generated on the back of this ‘exclusive’ [BTW is there such a thing as “The ‘Exclusive’ No One Else Wanted”?!].

My favourite of these space-filling spectaculars may also be one of the very best non-stories ever vomited out about an Ibrox-based football club.

Here it is:

Glasgow Chinese restaurant SNUBBED Prince Charles so they could feed Rangers team instead

Yes that’s right.“Man didn’t go into restaurant because it was full”.

Have you ever seen the like?

Has humanity ever witnessed such absolute scenes?

I think not.

My only regret is that cameras were not there to capture this dramatic event for future generations to marvel at…

Some might argue that the ‘involvement’ of the heir to the throne and a big Scottish football club makes the ‘story’ interesting.

Others might suggest that anything which preserves the memory of the late Light Blues is to be cherished and disseminated by the media.

However, I am calling ‘bullshit’ on the whole sorry spectacle.

If this is news and worthy of column inches then I have plenty of other exclusives for the Evening Shark-Jump.

  • Henry VIII never ate at the Captain’s table on board the Titanic.
  • Robert the Bruce didn’t visit a Glasgow branch of Subway for a sandwich and then find himself surprised that he couldn’t also catch an underground train from there.
  • Queen Victoria never went to KFC, but if she had she would have been shocked to find that Colonel Sanders wasn’t there serving behind the counter.
  • Mary Queen of Scots didn’t have a second job playing the part of Ronald McDonald at children’s parties in an Edinburgh branch of McDonalds.
  • Alexander the Great didn’t ever get a late night greasy Glasgow kebab as he traversed Asia conquering the known world.
  • Charles I never went into a pub called ‘The King’s Head’ and found himself staring in horror at his own severed head which was kept in a jar behind the bar.
  • The present Queen doesn’t spend her Saturday afternoons in a van outside Ibrox selling burgers made from the King of Norway’s huskies which she stole during a clandestine midnight operation.

Meanwhile, in Monday’s Evening Shark-Jump we can look forward to ex-Rangers players telling us about how they never saw the late Emperor Hirohito of Japan shopping in Primark.

Heaven help us all…