The Clumpany Advertising Agency has been asked to produce a script for a range of adverts which will be used to promote the work of various Scottish football media outlets.
Here is the first draft:
Are you a Sevco fan experiencing severe grief following the death of Rangers?
Are you fed up of seeing mediocre players toil on the pitch?
Are you unhappy with a manager who appears clueless?
Are you embarrassed at being dumped out of Europe by a side from Luxembourg?
Are you seething about Celtic winning an unbeaten Treble, notching up six-in-a-row and seemingly set for the Champions League once again?
Are you annoyed about Aberdeen being the second force in Scotland?
Are you traumatised by Neil Lennon’s ear-cupping?
Are you hacked off with a board which doesn’t seem to live up to its own hype?
Do you wish it would all go away?
Do you hanker after the return of Rangers?
Do you want to see vast amounts of money being spent on proper ‘Rangers’ players?
Do you want to see the late Rangers FC crushing all domestic opposition?
Do you want to see them playing glamour ties in Europe?
Do you want Scottish football to revolve solely around the heroic achievements of the now-defunct 54*-times Champions of Scotland?
Do you want to be able to say that you “welcome the chase” without a part of you dying inside from embarrassment?
Do you want the rest of the national sport to FEAR your departed club?
Do you want to feel that you are a better sort of person – one of The People in fact – as a result of the exploits of the long-gone Rangers FC?
We thought so.
Well, sadly we can’t bring back the dead
However, what we can do is avoid mentioning ‘death’ ever again.
And we can run a never-ending series of pieces about the exploits of the old club and its players as if they have some relevance in the post-Rangers world.
Our articles will soothe you, comfort you and put a spring back in your step by allowing you to relive the glory days.
The days when your club was winning, and when nearly every season brought silverware courtesy of improbable and expensive signings from abroad.
The days when your club was top dog, and everyone else knew their place.
So keep an eye out for our interviews with the great players of the past, and their reflections on what it was like to rule Scottish football.
We will do our best to avoid mentioning side letters and the advantage conferred by creative tax avoidance schemes which have now been rumbled by the Supreme Court.
Because context and a dose of cold hard reality are so very very tedious…
This announcement is brought to you in association with Kool-Aid.
I am not one for pessimism, but I fear this script may need a little bit of refinement before anyone is willing to use it to promote their output…
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…