The Clumpany has been given a copy of a fictitious article about the latest profound insights from Paperwork Pedro. It will not be appearing in a mainstream publication any time soon, and so is reproduced for your information below…
The Ibrox manager [no, we still can’t believe it either…] was unhappy with the performance of the referee and his assistants as his side lost to the ex-Celtic manager’s side. That’s THE EX-CELTIC MANAGER’S SIDE.
Ryan Jack was sent off in the first half, and his dismissal has since been overturned, with the SFA having concluded that he administered the acceptable sort of head butt rather than one of those naughty ones.
However, having reflected on the result, the manner of Rangers’ latest defeat, and having seeing the words “Pedro, you are shite” everywhere he looks on social media, Caixinha has reluctantly decided to look closer to home for answers.
“I will take a bad management decision in training to make the players understand that things are going in that direction and might happen at any moment”, said Caixinha.
“If they say ‘FFS what is this clown doing now?’ enough times in training, then they are less likely to say it during a match in front of the TV cameras. It is bad for morale to see such things. Especially my morale.”
The Rangers* manager continued, “If the players know I am likely to do something completely bat-shit crazy, or to ignore a gaping hole in the defence, then they have the opportunity to implement a solution. Hopefully before the opposition score a goal. But if not, while they carry the ball back to the centre circle for the restart.”
Caixinha wants his players to control their temper even when they feel aggrieved at a decision made by him. And he thinks that introducing some even more bonkers initiatives into practice matches at their No-Longer-Murray Park training centre will help to achieve that.
“For my players, I can try to get them to control their inner rage at me” explained the man sometimes known as the ‘Poundshop Mourinho’, but for whom Rangers’* actually received change from a quid when they acquired his services.
“But I cannot always control what manner of craziness might come out of my mouth. In fact sometimes I just wibble and hope for the best
“I hope that my players still have the focus to keep playing football with a formation and tactics because one of the points we have definitely is to finish matches playing something that cannot be mistaken for a convention of headless chickens.
“I just need players to understand that there is no plan. And if my behaviour demands they play ‘Cluedo’ or ‘Connect Four’ in training, and perhaps juggle hedgehogs, they need to accept that.
“It’s something we analyse and speak to our players about. We play board games and juggle Mrs Tiggy-Winkle and her friends at training, but they have to be ready to repair my car during a game if that is what I demand. Or perhaps establish a small pop-up shop selling a range of cute ceramic dogs.”
Caixinha said his players had shown “so much anger, so much incredulity” in training this week, that until kick-off against Hearts they would simply be sedated.
The Portuguese added: “We have already forgotten what happened on Saturday. You have seen the film ‘Men In Black’? It is like that. My players now know nothing of the mistakes that cost them against Hibernian. It’s definitely not going to affect our next game so we are looking forward to Saturday. Or at least we will once the drugs have worn off.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. That’s what the song says and that’s what I really believe. Unless of course you are Samson. He had his hair cut off and it made him weaker without killing him.
“This gives me an idea for my next tactical innovation. The players will be trained in hairdressing and will cut the hair of the Hearts players during the game. It will be a thing of beauty for the fans to see and will require no skill with a football. We cannot fail.”
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…