Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Pedro Is One Of The People

Good Afternoon.

The Clumpany was delighted to note that Paperwork Pedro Caixinha has discovered the solution to any ill which may befall him at Sevco. [At least prior to him being 'resigned' from his job…]

Following yesterday's glorious 2-3 non-triumph against Hibernian and the Clearly Provocative Neil Lennon (who – incidentally – I once saw supporting The Fall), Pedro had various vacuous things to say. Things which most rational folk would mistake for lame-arsed excuses to mask a piss-poor result.

But as far as Pedro was concerned, what doesn't kill you (via liquidation or otherwise) only makes you stronger. Or at least more full of bullshit.

As he told Sevco TV "We will keep fighting knowing that maybe some people are against us. But that's just going to make us strong".

Here is the full clip:

For a minute there I thought he was going to say "Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I am angry", but then I remembered that the Incredible Bulk was no longer Sevco manager and had recently left his vegetable patch to become a 'pundit' on BT Sport.

But I digress.

As if his claim of folk being against 'them' was not enough, Pedro managed to play a genuine trump card (or was it a Joker?), claiming mid-interview that "We are the People".

Yes. "We are the People".

And here it is, courtesy of @gibbygibbo1:

I didn't get the impression that Pedro was joking, and I would love to know what he thought he was saying when he uttered those immortal words, not that anyone will ask him during his next press conference.

However, it doesn't really matter. The fact that he could make that statement in the expectation that it would be understood by – and resonate with – his audience as some kind of impressive, problem-solving catchphrase is absolutely hilarious!

How much of a moron does he (and anyone who put him up to use that language) think each and every Sevco fan is? How arrogant and/or deluded would you have to be to think it makes things better in any way whatsoever? How detached from reality would you have to be not to worry that it might make you and your 'club' an absolute laughing stock?

The mind boggles. But if Pedro thinks he can get away with it in the context of an embarrassing defeat to Hibernian and the Clearly Provocative Neil Lennon, when else might he try it on?

Here are a few possibilities…

Q: "Pedro, your side has just been relegated and was dumped out of the Cups in the early rounds? Have you anything to say?"
A: "Yes. We are the People."

Q: "Pedro, you pissed away a load of money the club can't afford on terrible players. Have you a word for concerned fans?"
A: "Yes. We are the People. Including those players too. They are the People. We are all the People. Except those people that are not the People. They are not the People."

Q: "Pedro, you aren't supposed to put a Fray Bentos pie in the microwave. It has a metal casing. It exploded and has done thousands of pounds' worth of damage. What were you thinking?"
A: "It is no problem. We are the People. And all is well.
Q: "But now you have nothing to eat?".
A: "Pies may come and go, but we are the People."

Q: "Pedro, your pal's dog has just died and he is really upset. Do you have any words of comfort for him?"
A: "Yes. It is no problem. We are the People."
Q: "But his dog isn't. It's dead."
A: "Not everyone can be the People. And we know that because we are the People. His dog was a dog. Not the People."

Q: "Pedro, your car has broken down, the AA can't get here for six hours, the club can't put petrol in any of its own vehicles until after the next home game gate receipts come in, and you are going to miss the flight for your holiday. How upset are you at this unfortunate turn of events?"
A: "Why would I be upset? We are the People."
Q: "Does being the People fix cars and fly you overseas?"
A: "We are the People. Mark my words carefully. We ARE the people. That is enough."
Q: "So you aren't going on holiday then?"
A: "Jim. Can I say 'no' to this question? [*Pause*]. Oh. We are the People. That is my answer to your question. We ARE the People."

Q: "Pedro, the USA and North Korea may go to war, the world could be burned to a cinder. These are really worrying times aren't they?"
A: "No. We will still win the league. Because we are the People. That will never change."

Q: "Pedro, what do you say to people who suggest you are a cut-price manager who is the living embodiment of the phrase 'you get what you pay for'?"
A: "I say the truth. We are the People. We ARE the People. The People, we are them. WE. ARE. THE. PEOPLE."

What could possibly go wrong, eh?

The Clumpany says Give Ped A Chance.


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