The Clumpany has just received a copy of a completely fictitious statement from a non-existent Sevco fans' group.
We Lost A Game To A Manager We Don't Like And Are Going To Embarrass Ourselves In Public About It
Taking It Badly Loyal would like to take this opportunity to commend the brave band of Rangers* supporters who withstood the relentless assault of Neil Lennon during our so-called football match against Hibernian yesterday.
Mr Lennon has a reputation for sneaking out shortly after kickoff and erecting 200ft high walls around stadiums in which the Solar System's most successful club is playing. At which point he then beheads the local population, injects their corpses with a deadly plague and catapults them into the Rangers* supporters with the intention of causing them anguish and an agonising death.
Sadly, Mr Lennon – who always plays the 'I don't behead people' card at the first available opportunity – lived up to his disgusting reputation yesterday. However, he then opted to go further in a truly sickening fashion which leaves us with no alternative but to make this sentence go on for a very very very long time until readers are begging for the merciful release of a full stop which isn't coming quite yet because we really don't like the former Celtic manager and believe he would revel in the attention given to him by properly-constructed sentences.
[*Cough cough cough*]
As if laying siege to Ibrox and intending to inflict medieval-style pestilence on the passengers of the World's Most Successful Offended Bus wasn't enough, Mr Lennon also conspired to replace the referee with a glove puppet operated by his very own barely-hidden hand.
It was therefore no surprise to Rangers* fans to see decision after decision go against the recent conquerors of Dunfermline. However, it is to the eternal credit of the Rangers* players that they somehow endured this on-pitch conspiracy and conceded no valid goals while scoring two themselves.
If that had been the end of the matter we could perhaps move on and simply demand that Mr Lennon is sent to The Hague to face War Crimes charges. But, unfortunately, Mr Lennon could not accept defeat with any decorum and hacked the Ibrox scoreboard to falsely show Hibernian as having scored three goals. This was of course a lie which his puppet referee was happy to accept, and Rangers* (through no fault of their own) now find themselves three points behind in the Premiership.
This is an absolute disgrace. In fact it is so disgraceful that the word 'disgraceful' should not be allowed to have the word 'grace' in it. It should instead have the word 'NeilLennonfuckedusoverandweloathehim' in it.
No credible football authority can stand idly by while Neil Lennon gets away with such shameful behaviour. Nor can Police Scotland, NATO, the United Nations and the Galactic Senate. We will be petitioning all of these bodies to demand that Mr Lennon is brought to justice and is never again allowed to do what Rangers*-haters falsely describe as "a former Celtic manager refusing to be intimidated, and celebrating goals which brought about a well-deserved victory for his team."
NB Remember folks, it's just a bit of fun…