The Clumpany has bad news for children across the land.
Apparently everyone's favourite festive hero Santa Claus is introducing a new approach to his work this Christmas.
He won't accept childrens' Christmas wish lists this year because he considered lists previously. The fact that circumstances have changed, and that the children see their earlier lists as competently defective – if not utterly irrelevant – is unfortunately immaterial as far as he is concerned.
Santa has taken advice from a non-Lapland lawyer and he has to inform the youth of Scotland that he cannot reopen the issue of Christmas lists. Not that Santa views this as a problem. Indeed he believes that there is no appetite for him to consider Christmas lists this year, and he expects Scottish youngsters to move on to Easter.
Santa does however have a gargantuan appetite for your contribution to his work. He therefore requests that you leave an extra mince pie and a whole bottle of Buckie out for him this year. You don't need to bother with a carrot for Rudolph, though.
"Fuck Rudolph" said Santa. "As long as I'm having an easy life, I don't care about the welfare of anyone else or indeed the integrity of this whole 'Christmas' malarkey'."
Merry Christmas everybody.
NB Remember folks, it's just a bit of fun…