Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

An Urgent Statement About Rangers’ CVA

Good Evening.

The Clumpany has just released the following statement…


The Clumpany is disappointed to note that no one involved in the British food and retail industries is willing to bow to The Clumpany’s demands that they start putting  appeals to find the missing “Rangers exiting administration” documents on milk cartons.

Given the importance of this issue and the wish of similar paperwork from Hearts, Dunfermline and others to join their Rangers counterpart in a big celebratory party at Clumpany Towers, it is outrageous that my perfectly reasonable demands have not been met.

How dare the so-called ‘neutral’ milk sector behave in this outrageous manner? I don’t care whether the content of milk carton packaging is a matter for producers to determine, subject to the inclusion of certain information required by law. I have a self-absorbed fuss to make and BOY am I going to make it.

Nor is it important that milk carton appeals regarding the ‘Missing’  are more of an American thing than a British one. I demand to be heard and respected and to have my wishes pandered-to. Especially those wishes that are explained in really long sentences that wouldn’t know punctuation if it came along and put a semi-colon hyphen full stop to it so there are you intimidated by the length of this sentence are you ARE you?

Even-handedness demands that an appeal for Rangers’ ‘CVA success’ paperwork is put on UK milk cartons. Failure to respect basic human rights will not be tolerated and will result in boycotts and writing grammar-free emails to everyone on a specially-compiled list. I am good at making lists.

I have met with a number of cows in fields across Scotland and they all recognised the need for me to get my own way in this matter. In fact they said they would not be “mooved”.

That’s “mooved”. A direct quote.

How much more persuasion do you need?

Let there be no misunderstanding. Milk and everyone associated with it will regret the day they refused to bow to my demands.

And that includes you Milk Tray Man. Let’s see how glamorous you are when you are just Tray Man.

And Milka Cows. You won’t be laughing when you are simply -a Cows.

And before they get any ideas, the agenda-driven goat community should consider itself ‘on notice’ that its milk is set to be deemed guilty by milky association.

And speaking of ‘milky’, my determination to prevail against the haters is such that I will see Milky Way humiliated – in both its chocolate and galaxy forms if necessary.

No one ‘milks it’ on my watch.


In other news, I see a Sevco fans’ group has issued a statement.

Statement on Daily Record Coverage



NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…