Satire, Scottish Football, SFA

Why The SFA Can’t Take Action Against Rangers (IL)

Good Evening.

The Clumpany assumes that no effort will be spared in finding and articulating reasons why the SFA can’t take any action against Rangers (IL) and their haul of trophies following today’s Supreme Court ruling on the ‘Big Tax Case’.

The SFA has already issued a statement which has bewildered many, and caused others to piss their pants (ethereal or otherwise). Amongst other things, it says

“The clear opinion of Senior Counsel is that there is a very limited chance of the Scottish FA succeeding in relation to any complaint regarding this matter and that, even if successful, any sanctions available to a Judicial Panel would also be limited in their scope.

Accordingly, having had time to consider the opinion from Senior Counsel, and having examined the judgment of the UK Supreme Court, the Board has determined that no further disciplinary action should be taken by the Scottish FA at this time.”

In view of this, The Clumpany wonders what other ‘compelling’ detailed arguments might be advanced against taking disciplinary action in response to the grotesque spectacle of a football club paying out millions of pounds in wrongly-untaxed wages to players.

Here are a few suggestions… 😉

We’d love to, but our dog ate the paperwork.

We had no mobile signal so missed what happened.

And when we did have a signal, the battery in our phone ran out and there was a toaster plugged into all the electricity sockets. So we couldn’t recharge it.

The traffic was terrible and the Highway Code has no provision for taking action against Rangers.

We didn’t have the right change for the ‘Rangers sanctions’ machine. Original 1872 pennies are a bastard to find these days.

You want us to take action in THESE shoes?

The train was cancelled. You can’t address football club misdemeanours on a replacement bus.

It rained and we didn’t have an umbrella so we stayed at home. Our remote access didn’t work and so we couldn’t take any action against Rangers.

We got watching daytime TV. And you know how it is. We lost all track of time. Great ‘Bargain Hunt’ today though!

Eventually we set off for the office and popped into the supermarket en route. You should have seen the queue! We were in there for an eternity!

By the time we got out of the supermarket, the office would have closed for the day. So we popped into the pub, where we played The Beatles’ ‘Taxman’ over and over on the jukebox when we could have been discussing Rangers’ misdeeds instead.

Later, we were just about to leave the pub when we saw someone who we hadn’t seen in ages. It would have been rude not to have had a pint with them rather than get home and do some Rangers disciplinary work on the laptop.

And then – you’ll never guess what, we know it sounds unbelievable, but – we were just about to leave the pub again when we saw someone else we hadn’t seen in ages. It would have been rude not to have had a pint with them too.

And of course, those unexpected reunions couldn’t end without one for the road.

And then we went for a curry afterwards.

And then on to a club.

We woke up on a park bench with no idea where we were, so what were we supposed to do? We couldn’t exactly pursue sanctions on Rangers in that situation could we?

We eventually found a taxi driver to get us to the office for 9am but he couldn’t find it. No, really…

Then it turned out we had lost our keys, so we couldn’t even get in to take any disciplinary action.

To be honest, we then needed to have a good sleep to recover.

You can’t strip honours with a hangover, after all. Can you?

In any case, we were watching The Simpsons one day and we are sure Lionel Hutz said there was literally no mechanism for taking any action against Rangers.

Anyway, look at the shiny shiny thing! You all want to play in the Scottish Cup don’t you? Our lovely money-spinning competition… You should concentrate on that.


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun reacting to the surreal nature of Scottish football…