Media, Satire, Scottish Football, SFA

Mr Greedy’s Title-Stripping Appetite

One day, Mr Greedy woke up to find that he was very hungry indeed.

Mr Greedy felt hungry every morning. He also felt hungry in the afternoons and in the evenings too.

Mr Greedy knew that he could stop feeling hungry for a while by having a very big breakfast. So he had four packets of cornflakes, twelve slices of toast, six eggs, and ten rashers of bacon washed down with a gallon of tea.

“That was delicious!” said Mr Greedy.

But then Mr Greedy became concerned.

Because he was still feeling extremely hungry!

So he decided to have another breakfast. He ate twenty-four Weetabix, ten slices of toast and marmalade, and a dozen eggs. He also gulped down five pints of orange juice.

“That was also delicious!” said Mr Greedy.

But he was still feeling hungry. This did not normally happen to Mr Greedy so soon after one large breakfast, let alone two! 

A little worried, Mr Greedy decided to distract himself by going into town and going some shopping for his dinner.

As he wandered between the shops Mr Greedy bumped into Mr Liquidation-Denial and Mr Squirrel-Writer who worked for the local media, and who were reading the day’s sports news with a worried look.

Mr Greedy told them about the strange new hunger he was experiencing. 

“Well we can assure you that it’s definitely not a hunger for Rangers title-stripping” said Mr Liquidation-Denial.

“Yes that’s right” said Mr Squirrel-Writer. “You are a sensible chap who has no appetite for that. Is that a squirrel behind you? I’d be more worried about that if I were you.”

Mr Greedy couldn’t see a squirrel, and he carried on with his shopping. He then bumped into Mr Alltoo-Difficult who works at the Scottish Football Association and who had a big frown on his face.

Mr Greedy – eating a catering-sized box of Mars Bars as a snack – told him about his mysterious hunger. 

“Well at least we can rule out a case of hunger for Rangers title-stripping, Mr Greedy. You definitely have no appetite for that!” said Mr Alltoo-Difficult.

“That’s funny” said Mr Greedy. “That’s exactly what Mr Liquidation-Denial and Mr Squirrel-Writer said to me a few minutes ago! Have you been talking to them?”

“Absolutely not!” said Mr Alltoo-Difficult. “That’s just a massive coincidence. Now, why don’t you move on [*cough cough cough*]… errr… to the next shop and don’t worry about your strange hunger?”

Mr Greedy went into the newsagent’s to buy another dozen Mars Bars. Suddenly, he noticed the front page of a newspaper which talked about cuts to various public services.

As he left the shop, Mr Greedy suddenly felt absolutely ravenous even though he had just stuffed down another seven Mars Bars. 

And then he realised the cause of his unusual hunger! Mr Liquidation-Denial, Mr Squirrel-Writer and Mr Alltoo-Difficult had been wrong! Presumably they had been wrong completely by accident and in an uncoordinated way, but they were wrong!

Because Mr Greedy had a gargantuan appetite for Rangers title-stripping! 

Mr Greedy didn’t see why everyone else had to pay their taxes for essential public services when the late Rangers Football Club could avoid it and still keep their trophies!

In fact, Mr Greedy thought that this was an absolute piss-take of the highest order and that Scottish football and society as a whole deserved better.

Mr Greedy was hungry for justice. So he decided there and then to lobby his favourite football club to ensure that justice was delivered.

And when Mr Greedy has an appetite for something, he doesn’t let it go until it is satisfied…


You know what to do, everybody…

Oh yes, and spare a thought for Jim Traynor. 😉