Not coming to a paper near you any time soon….
Dave King Set To Take Control Of Planet Following Glasgow Feedback
The Rangers* Supremo has been convinced that he’s even more fantastic that he previously realised following a series of conversations which honestly really did take place in Glasgow.
By A. Pile-O’Crap.
Dave King is expecting to be appointed President of Earth in the next few days following an extraordinary series of encounters in Glasgow. The exciting news does not stop there however, with Rangers* fans also set to see their club’s trophy haul unexpectedly increased.
Our source explains: “Everyone knows how King has met Celtic-supporting taxi drivers who agreed with his argument that the Hoops have only won two-in-a-row because of the demotion of Rangers*. And they know that the taxi drivers were also quite clear that the top flight wasn’t the same without Rangers* in it.
“But when Dave got out of the taxis he’s received even more support”.
The insider explained that over the course of an afternoon, King met numerous absolutely real people who praised his qualities, his leadership, and his magnificent stewardship of Rangers* following regime change in 2015.
“It was amazing. Dave popped into the local Wetherspoons for a pint of tap water and the Presidents of FIFA and UEFA were both there. Honestly. Seriously. No, really. They were!
“They slapped Dave on the back and said his transformation of Rangers* was the greatest story in football and was worthy of thirteen European Cups. Dave agreed with them and they undertook to award the trophies to the Light Blues very soon. Up yours Celtic, and f*ck you Real Madrid!
“After winning all those trophies, Dave then went into McDonalds and ended up sitting next to the Chancellor of the Exchequer. Amazing, eh? He said he thought Mr King was the finest businessman in the word and that he was a great admirer of the way he had single-handedly got the better of Mike Ashley in a sword duel.
“During the resulting conversation about the sword – which I think Dave pulled out of a stone a few years ago – they were interrupted by the Governor of the Bank of England who had come in to get a McFlurry.
“The Governor said King was clearly the finest mind ever to enter business and he should be running the country’s economy. In fact he should be put in charge of the IMF as well – where he could give the global economy the sort of inspiration and reassuring leadership it needed. The Chancellor agreed, whereupon they both started making calls on their mobiles to ensure that Dave was appointed.”
The remarkable afternoon did not finish there though. While he was in Primark, King bumped into the Prime Minister, the Presidents of Russia, China and the USA, and the Secretary General of the United Nations.
“It was incredible” says our source “They happened to be standing up when they saw Dave approach them, but quickly sat down specifically so they could immediately rise again and give him a standing ovation.
“They love Dave. He’s their favourite leader, and they know that people around the world respect his vision and achievements. Because their taxi drivers have told them so.
“So, over the course of a chat by the changing rooms while everyone waited for Angela Merkel to try on some new clothes, they decided that the only sensible thing to do for the sake of humanity and the planet was to surrender complete control to Mr King.
“Subject to the paperwork going through, Dave will be declared President of Earth any day now.
“No really, he will. And if you don’t believe me, ask a random taxi driver.”
Dave King was unavailable for comment, but a spokesman confirmed that the Rangers* Chairman is clear and correct in his every utterance.