Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Things Which Don’t Count

Nae luck Ronny

Good Evening.

The Clumpany hears disturbing news that the UK economy is teetering on the brink of total collapse and the Chancellor is currently locked in talks with the IMF to secure the Mother, Grandmother, Sister and Aunt of all bailouts to keep the country afloat.

We all know that we live in turbulent times, but the sudden nature of this particular crisis has caught the Government completely by surprise and they are doing their best to keep it under wraps. Which is clearly the reason that you are reading about it in some random Scottish football blog rather than seeing it on the TV news. 😉

The cause of the crisis is Dave King’s perfectly sane and rational suggestion that Celtic’s Scottish league titles won without Rangers* in the top flight don’t count. With the effect that Celtic have currently only won two-in-a-row (assuming that you ignore Rangers* liquidation and escape the medics long enough to state that Sevco is actually the same club as Rangers…).

You might think that Dave King’s claim can be dismissed as the ramblings of a man able to say what the Sevco fan base wants to hear and who is determined to convince them to buy season books. But I am afraid that Her Majesty’s Government doesn’t see it like that in the current climate.

Upon hearing the ‘news’, the Government suddenly realised that other things may be void without Rangers*’ participation.

Such as the tax system.

The Government quickly spotted that the ‘logical’ conclusion of Dave King’s argument is that during the years when Rangers (RIP) were not playing fair and paying their full share of tax (going right back to the Discounted Options Scheme), the tax system was null and void. 😉

That’s year upon year when the Government mistakenly thought it was collecting legitimate revenue, but was instead undertaking a worthless exercise.

That’s hundreds of billions of pounds which were spent on public services which now have to be returned to taxpayers. 

This is a potentially apocalyptic development.

I will bring you further updates as and when they become available.

The Clumpany is also looking into reports that the 2016-17 PFA Scotland Awards will now be declared void as there was no Rangers* presence at them.

And – in a truly mind-boggling development – top Clumpany scientists expect to report soon on whether reality as we know it actually exists, given that no one connected with the latest Ibrox club seems able to acknowledge it. 😉

Their report will be presented next Thursday in Glasgow. Assuming they conclude that time and space actually exist. 

If not, there is no point in thanking you for reading this, as neither you nor I are real.

#KeepOnClumping (If you can)

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…