Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

The World’s Staunchest Sevco Fan


Good Morning.

Not overheard on a bus this morning…


Billy: “I’m so excited, Billy.”

Billy 2: “Why’s that, Billy.”

Billy: “Have you not seen Billy? Rangers* are coming!”

Billy 2: “Oh aye. I think I’m even more excited than you are Billy.”

Billy: “I doubt that Billy.”

Billy 2: “No, I am MORE excited than you Billy”

Billy: “No you aren’t Billy.”

Billy 2: “Yes I am Billy.”

Billy: “I don’t think you are Billy, you idiot.”

Billy 2: “Are you trying to make something out of it, Billy?”

Billy: “Yes I am pal. I AM more excited than you about Rangers*. No one is more staunch than me in terms of Loyal excitement Billy.”

Billy 2: “Bullshit Billy. I’ve been excited about Rangers’* signings in this transfer window since 1872. And I wasn’t even born then.”

Billy: “Do you want me to punch you? I’ve been excited about these signings since 1690 when King Billy told me how thrilled HE was about them. And I wasn’t born then either.”

Billy 2: “I’d like to see you try and punch me Billy. F*ck you and your substandard excitement about Rangers’* new signings.”

Billy: “It’s like that then, is it Billy? I’m going to have to beat the crap out of you am I?”

Billy 2: “In your dreams Billy mate.”

Billy 3: “Lads! Lads! What’s going on? Why are you shouting?”

Billy: “Oh hi Billy. This f*ckwit says he’s more excited about Rangers’* new signings than I am.”

Billy 2: “Morning Billy. Yes I am. I actually pissed my pants when I heard about them, and I have just soiled myself thinking about them again. My insides are just so excited!”

Billy 3: “Unsurpassed dignity as always Billy. You are a credit to the club. Isn’t he Billy?.”

Billy: “Well maybe he is Billy. In his own way.”

Billy 2: “Cheers Billy. And thanks Billy.”

Billy 3: “No problem Billy. I think we can all agree that Rangers’* new signings are the best Scotland has seen in many a year. And it’s a dream move for the players themselves. They will think all their Christmases have come at once playing in front of the World’s Best Fans and hearing all of our songs!”

Billy: “Aye. I read in the paper that these signings put in place the foundations for Pedro’s new house, Billy.”

Billy 3: “I think it was ‘for a great season ahead’, Billy.”

Billy 2: “Yes that’s right Billy. I read in another paper that it’s a revolution. Like they had in France, Billy.”

Billy: “Brilliant Billy! When do the Tims get guillotined?”

Billy 3: “I think they meant ‘changing the team a lot so we can Go for 55 for real this season‘, Billy.”

Billy 2: “Well that sounds OK too Billy. Are you sure the guillotines are definitely out though?”

Billy 3: “Yes Billy. But mark my words, Rangers ARE coming, and we should be able to smell the fear from everyone else any day now. Rather than the smell of your sh*t-filled trousers.”

Billy 2: “That sounds great Billy. Mr King deserves an apology from everyone who said he wasn’t going to overinvest in the club.”

Billy: “He does Billy. He’s a real Rangers* man who only wants to get us back to where we belong.”

Billy 3: “Well said Billy. And that’s why he is  buying us the very best players. While we sign proven internationals, Celtic have surrendered and gone on holiday. They’ll always be in our shadow.”

Billy 2: “We may have been demoted by the haters in 2012 but we are still the world’s most successful club Billy!”

Billy: “We are Billy! And always will be!”

Billy 3: “Never a truer word spoken Billy! Have you lads bought your season books yet? I renewed straight away because our enemies wouldn’t want me to.”

Billy 2: “Well to be honest I haven’t yet Billy because we were shite last season.”

Billy: “Aye, we were piss poor Billy. I haven’t got my season book yet, but having seen the cash that’s being spent and the players we are signing, I am going to buy five season books!”

Billy 3: “Five, Billy?! You taking all the family next year then? That’s fantastic!”

Billy: “No. Why would I do that Billy? I go to the fitba to get away from them and sing a few traditional songs. I’m getting five season books for me because that’s how excited I am by Pedro’s spending spree, which I read about in the paper.”

Billy 2: “Five? That’s nothing Billy. I am so excited I am getting TEN season books. All for me. No one is more excited than me about Rangers* winning the Treble next year.”

Billy: “Apart from me, Billy.”

Billy 2: “No. I think I proved that I am more excited than you Billy. Now pipe down.”

Billy: “Pipe down? I’ll buy eleven season books then Billy. That’ll show you how excited I am about the coming season and the Gers’* glorious march to the title.”

Billy 2: “Well I will buy twelve and I will buy them on 12th July. It doesn’t come any more staunch than that Billy.”

Billy: “You do want me to punch you don’t you Billy?”

Billy 2: “If you fancy it, you just try Billy.”

Billy: “I will then Billy you b*stard.”



Billy and Billy were last seen heading to a police station, while Billy called a solicitor to try and get them out.

At the time of writing, no additional Sevco season books have been purchased.


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

PS Billy’s previous ‘adventures’ can be found here:

Billy and Chris

Billy and Chris [Part 2]