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Not likely to appear in a newspaper anytime soon.
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Dave King Expected To Reinvest Hot Air Into Rangers*
A golden future is predicted if all previous empty rhetoric is directed back into the club.
By A. Shit-Shoveler.
Dave King hopes to turn things around at Ibrox with an eye-catching plan to reinvest all the hot air spoken about building the best side in Scotland since the Glorious Takeover of March 2015.
Not only will things look different at Ibrox, but it is also understood that Rangers* expect to turn a considerable profit in almost no time at all.
A source close to the latest developments said “What do you mean you smell sh*te? You aren’t going to say that in the paper are you? Good. Anyway, yes there is a fantastic plan to win games and make Rangers* an absolute fortune.
Insisting on maintaining his anonymity, the insider continued “You know all the hot air there has been about investment, over investment, children’s inheritances and ‘doing whatever it takes’ over the past two years? Well the plan is to put it to good use with ‘Operation Scorched Earth’.
“All that hot air will be blown back on to the pitch during every game. And f*ck me is there a lot of hot air to blow. The Rangers* players will be wise to the plan and wear protective outfits. Preferably astronaut suits, but if the budget doesn’t stretch that far they might use cling film instead.
“The visiting sides won’t have a clue what to expect when they turn up because the media can be relied upon to pretend that no one is wearing heat shielding. The opposition will be burnt to a crisp before half-time and Rangers* will win the league. Especially when the SPFL agrees to let Rangers* play their first eleven games at home and all their opponents end up being out for the rest of the season with chronic dehydration or worse. Champions League here we come!”
Turning his attention to the business benefits that Operation Scorched Earth might bring, our source explained excitedly: “Aside from the prize money for winning the league and a shot at Champions League riches, the hot air that’s been produced is so unbelievably intense that it will turn the Ibrox pitch into a desert and then inches-thick glass.
“What a business opportunity that will be! We can sell ‘Rangers* double-glazing’ to interested punters at a huge mark-up. The fact that it won’t be real double glazing is neither here nor there. After all, none of the faithful cares that it’s not the real Rangers* they are following do they?”
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