Clumpany Matters, Satire, Scottish Football

Charles Green’s Lost Property

Charles Green

Good Afternoon.

The Clumpany was out and about this morning when it happened to stumble across something unusual.

We are all used to seeing litter in the street, and occasionally we might find some coins (or a “transfer budget” as it’s known at Ibrox). We might even have the misfortune to tread in something unpleasant (there is nothing worse than a damp discarded copy of the Evening Shark-Jump in the gutter, except perhaps a fresh new copy of the Evening Shark-Jump on a newsstand). However, I managed to come across something which I REALLY didn’t expect to see.

It was a Scottish Premier Division title!

There I was minding my own business on the street when suddenly a gust of wind caused it to arrive at my ethereal feet.

Fancy that!

Naturally, I glanced around to see if anyone had dropped it, but there was no one nearby. So I picked it up and had a good look. I quickly realised that this was no ordinary title. It was the 1996-7 ‘Nine-in-a-row’ title acquired by Rangers under the guidance of the legnedary Cardigan, which was the subject of a truly embarrassing drool-a-thon in Glasgow’s ‘premier’ evening paper last week.

I wondered what on earth it was doing drifting around the streets. And following a quick glance at Twitter – where the excellent @mintys_lamb had been doing what he does best – I quickly realised the truth.

Having bought Rangers’ history and titles following the creditors’ rejection of the CVA in 2012, Charles Green must have dropped the 1996-7 title as he rushed back to Ibrox!

What a blunder! Still, it’s easily done when you are carrying such a lot of baggage with you. I guess it was fortunate that he also wasn’t carrying Rangers’ debts with him otherwise there could have been a major, traffic-stopping spillage.

Anyway, having come into possession of the 1996-7 title, The Clumpany is wondering what to with it. If Mr Green’s creation Sevco believe it to be theirs, then they are welcome to pop round to Clumpany Towers. I’ll hand it over in return for seeing definitive proof of ownership.

Otherwise, I plan to celebrate my title with an open-top bus parade next week. I hope I can count on you lining the streets to cheer me on and commiserate with the late Rangers Football Club on only winning Eight-in-a-row.

#KeepOnClumping

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