Media, Satire, Scottish Football

The Most Amazing Thing EVER

Good Evening.

The Clumpany hears that its good pal Alan is absolutely buzzing. I haven’t seen him in person to check, but word reaches me that his local paper has decided to run a series of pieces about some of the allegedly remarkable things he has done, and he is thrilled about it!

I understand that his local paper is renowned for peddling any old upbeat nonsense. And as we all know, Alan used to be some sort of celebrity in that neck of the woods, so they were only too happy to shout from the rooftops about the groundbreaking things he did 20 years ago when he wasn’t involved in Campervan escapades.

So do look out for exciting tales of Alan

  • Making beans on toast.
  • Driving a car.
  • Complaining about the price of petrol.
  • Renewing his house insurance.
  • Sleeping at night.
  • Having Weetabix for breakfast.
  • Watching TV.
  • Listening to the radio.
  • Catching a cold.
  • Going shopping.
  • Remarking on the changeable weather.
  • Having a cup of tea.
  • Drinking coffee instead on the odd occasion.
  • Enjoying a bet on the horses.
  • Grumbling about the in-laws.
  • Going to the pub.
  • Taking his dog for a walk.
  • Catching a bus.
  • Watching a repeat of a Morecambe and Wise Christmas Special.
  • Reading a newspaper; and
  • Saving the planet by recycling said newspaper and using it to wipe his arse.

Now, I know what you are thinking.

“Twenty years ago or not, ALL of those things have been done before. They are no big deal. How desperate would you have to be to systematically trumpet someone emulating somebody else?”

It’s a good question, and my pal Alan – ever the shrewd observer of newspaper output – would doubtless offer the following answer:


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

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