Celtic, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco, SPFL

How Sevco Can Dominate Scottish Football

Good Evening.

As you might expect, The Clumpany greatly enjoyed yesterday’s 5-1 demolition of the artist pretending to be Rangers.

The Big Lie that Sevco are one and the same as Rangers is one of the great piss-takes of our time, and it is utterly wonderful to see the one thing that even the most wibble-minded liquidation-deniers can’t bluster away. Repeated defeats by Celtic, interspersed with systematic pumpings can only lead the hardcore of creditor-mockers to conclude that they really aren’t watching Rangers.

It is a thing of beauty.

Almost as beautiful, in fact, as Celtic’s performance under the leadership of Brendan Rodgers and The Immense Scott Brown!

I must also say a quick word about Leigh Griffiths, who really knuckled down to silence his critics after signing for Celtic, and played a huge part in delivering the 2015-16 title before finding himself often-sidelined this year. And yet despite this disappointment, Griffiths has stayed sufficiently focused to be able to deliver the kind of mangnificent goalscoring display we saw on Saturday, when given the chance.

Leigh Griffiths is a classy performer.

And then there was his celebration, which made you wonder whether he is a one-man Celtic screensaver machine…


However, all of the above is by way of introduction to the main point of this piece.

Ever the altruist, The Clumpany thought it should make a big effort to rally the Sevconian faithful in their hour of darkness. As such, I decided to seek some informed opinion on how their beloved ‘club’ can turn things around, overcome Celtic and [*cough*] ‘return’ to the top of Scottish football.

Here is what my specially-convened and highly-appropriate expert panel had to say in response to the question “what can Sevco/ Rangers* do to become the top club* in Scottish football?”.

Noted TV personality Sooty the glove puppet had nothing to say.

Rod Hull’s former partner, Emu had nothing to say.

The late Harpo Marx somehow made himself available for interview, but had nothing to say. 

The late Marcel Marceau also miraculously agreed to an interview, but had nothing to say. 

The late Buster Keaton also took some unlikely time out to impart a few home truths, but had nothing to say.

Marina from classic TV show Stingray had nothing to say.

Raymond Teller took time out from his magic shows with Penn Jillette to offer a comment, but had absolutely nothing to say.

Maggie Simpson may be no stranger to dummies, but sadly she had nothing to say either.

Finally, Godot didn’t arrive in time for the interview but we believe he would have had nothing to say.

I must admit that despite my best efforts it isn’t looking good for my plan to generate some well-founded optimism regarding Sevco’s future prospects. 

But hang on a minute! Whose is this shrill upbeat cry of hope that I hear?

Ah look!

It’s ‘Flipper’, the legendary TV dolphin!

What’s that Flipper? You want to offer your views on Sevco?

You think you know what’s wrong, Flipper?

You think they are totally f*cked, Flipper?

A prisoner of their appropriated history, misplaced superiority complex and addiction to waiting for a Sugar Daddy, Flipper?

You think they aren’t helped by a mainstream media which would rather keep saying ‘Old Firm’ at random intervals than ask anyone at Ibrox a few searching questions on the record, Flipper?

Yes I did hear you say ‘f*cked’, Flipper…


You can’t say that The Clumpany didn’t try…


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