It has been a busy day at Clumpany Towers. The Clumpany likes to honour excellence and help those less fortunate, so I combined the two by hosting a gathering of award winners who have sadly fallen on hard times.
They all had interesting tales to tell as they ate heartily of Kit-Kats and drank their fill of Buckie and bleach cocktails.
There was the former Car Mechanic of the Year who was on a real high right up until he decided to start fitting exhausts inside the vehicles. Still, at least he won a trophy.
There was the one-time Train Driver of the Year who was much-admired until he decided that it might be more interesting to take his local stopping service for a trip down the M8. Still, at least he won a trophy.
There was the former Pastry Chef of the Year who was thriving until temptation got the better of her and she decided it would be easier just to serve Fray Bentos all the time. Still, at least she won a trophy.
There was the one-time Greenkeeper of the Year, who was in high demand right up until he decided to try an innovative new mole-based maintenance regime. Still, at least he won a trophy.
There was the ex-Archivist of the Year who was very big (if poorly paid) in the world of ancient manuscripts, until a very unfortunate mix-up with her other job moonlighting at a shredding company. Still, at least she won a trophy.
We were also lucky to be in the presence of the one-time Window Cleaner of the Year, whose business was booming right up until he thought it might save time to use sulphuric acid rather than water on his customers’ houses. Still, at least he won a trophy.
And finally, the assembled company was joined by the former Art Curator of the Year. Details of the very messy circumstances in which he left the profession are sketchy, but the enquiry was apparently quite literally a massive whitewash. Still, at least he won a trophy.
Sadly, David Murray was unable to join us.
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…