Celtic, Media, Satire, Scottish Cup, Sevco

Pedro’s Water Torture

Picture via @AlisonGConroy

Good Evening.

Well done to Celtic on making it to the Scottish Cup Final, where they will face Aberdeen. I can’t wait. It promises to be a great occasion between the two best sides in Scotland.

Commiserations to Sevco who were distinctly second best in all departments today. Apart from Joe Garner, who remarkably managed to be third best in everything he did in a two horse race.

Despite crashing out, Sevco are still confident of a home tie in the next round and have offered the SFA the use of their microwave if it is needed. 😉

Willie Collum managed not to be completely horrific in every decision he made, which presumably now makes him Scotland’s top referee. Nevertheless, his failure to send Andy Halliday off for this early ‘challenge’ is utterly inexplicable:

Andy Halliday sends Patrick Roberts into next week

Perhaps Collum and his fellow match officials were simply struck dumb by the sight of a player using an actual scythe to bring down an opponent? Whatever the case, the decision still stinks many hours later. 

People complain about fussy refereeing preventing football from being a contact support, but Collum’s failure to award a red card here is an absolute joke. If that ‘tackle’ had appeared in an episode of Casualty, the BBC would probably have been inundated with complaints about showing gratuitous violence.

The Clumpany was most disappointed, however, with Scotland’s Player of the YearJoey Barton who managed to have an even quieter game than he did during the 5-1 mauling earlier this season. What’s going on Joey? You won’t get an enhanced contract from the proceeds of Barrie McKay’s £6m move to RB Leipzig if you don’t buck up your ideas soon!

Barton’s display was once again a complete contest to that of Scott Brown, who was absolutely immense. Brown’s masterclass was a particular shame given how a number of pundits have been howling with outrage at Celtic ‘playing the system’ to allow him to play by appealing his red card against Ross County….

However, the main point I wanted to dwell upon today was the above-pictured curious display from Paperwork Pedro at his post-match press conference. 

In his Sky interview, Pedro was pretty magnanimous about Celtic’s victory, reflecting the genuinely warm words he seemed to exchange with Brendan Rodgers on the pitch after the game. Fair play to him for that. But what was going on at the press conference? Alison Conroy tells us the following 

What possible insight into Sevco’s display could be offered by those liquid-filled glasses?

Over to you Pedro… 😉

“This glass is filled with the tears of my friends in the press who really didn’t want Scott to play. He had a great game. Which gives me no pleasure as I am clearly not an admirer of Celtic Football Club. As the PR man told me.”

“Next to that glass we have a sample of the piss you have all been taking this week by discussing the ‘Old Firm’. Is it not enough that I have the best squad in Scotland to entertain the fans? Why do you need to upset the face-painter and remind other people of painful unpaid bills? I am going to get into trouble for saying that aren’t I? What was that thing I said at my first press conference about ‘history’? Please print that instead.”

“The third glass is where I keep my pet shark. A Celtic fan I know who is [*cough*] also called Pedro Caixinha suggested that I should call the shark ‘Liquidation’. So I did. I like to put on waterskis and jump over him. I have recently broken my waterskis but understand that one of you might be able to lend me some. Is there anyone from the Afternoon Shark-Jump newspaper here? I think that is what my favourite blogger calls it.”

“The fourth glass is from the Chairman’s personal collection. It is called Chateau de War Chest, and is apparently the world’s first completely colourless and odourless red wine.”

“And finally, the fifth glass is what I have called ‘Joe Garner’s Sparkling Water’. You may think that it looks like tepid, lukewarm, still water which has algae growing in it, and which flatters to deceive. In response I would say ‘Well done! Now you know why I have named it after Joe Garner’.”


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