Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Absolutely Barking

Good Evening.

The Clumpany hears that chaos broke out at one Scottish sports desk today.

It started when a hack called their editor early this morning and said that they wouldn’t be able to come into work. Sadly, the person who usually pops in to take their dog for walks was sick, and they couldn’t possibly leave it alone all day. 

After expressing surprise that the hack even had a dog (having previously shown little interest in sentient creatures of any sort), and having let it be known that it was inconvenient, the Editor agreed that the dog could come into the office on a one-off basis. Provided that it was no trouble.

Little did they know what was soon to happen!

A couple of hours later, the Editor was interrupted by staff asking them to “come quickly” and help resolve a tricky situation. It is a massive understatement to say that the Editor was perturbed by the scene which confronted them.

The hack was shouting “here boy!” extremely loudly and trashing the office. Colleagues explained that apparently the dog had somehow got loose, and the hack was highly distressed at not being able to find it.

The Editor decided to help with the search, and asked what the dog looked like.

“Well that’s the thing, boss”, one of the team explained, “None of us has actually seen the dog. Or heard it, in fact. 

“All we saw earlier was the office door open and xxxxxx come in holding a dog lead and speaking in a silly voice as if talking to a dog. 

“A few treats were thrown under the desk ‘for it to eat’, and we heard some chat about the dog sitting on the sofa with xxxxxx to watch the match at the weekend. But the treats are still there. As if there was no actual dog to eat them. 

“But anyway, we were working away on our pieces when all of a sudden there was a cry of anguish and we were all begged to help with the search.”

The Editor unsuccessfully tried to calm the hack down, and they were unable even to describe the dog. As work on the day’s journalistic output ground to a halt, things came to a head when the hack became convinced that the ‘dog’ had somehow escaped the office and was roaming the streets in a state of high peril.

To try and assist their distraught colleague, the paper’s staff quickly produced some ‘Missing’ posters, which are now being put up around Glasgow.

If you see one, please heed its instructions and keep an eye out for the hack’s seemingly non-existent dog. Apparently it ‘answers’ to the name ‘Old Firm’ and is really looking forward to Sunday’s Scottish Cup semi-final.