Coming to a newspaper near you, sometime soon.
Erik’s Epic Tumble
The Hoops star looks set to find that things aren’t ‘cool’ with the SFA Compliance Officer, and could even face police charges following a spectacular incident on Sunday.
By A. Honest-Mistake.
Celtic defender Erik Sviatchenko is facing charges of bringing the game into disrepute, and possibly of causing criminal damage, after causing a cooling tower to tumble over yesterday afternoon.
The incident – which led to unpleasant scenes and considerable anger – threatens to overshadow next week’s Old Firm* Scottish Cup semi-final. Quite literally. With a massive cloud of dust.
6205 witnesses have suggested that the cooling tower was scheduled for demolition, and had been fitted with explosives, leading to a large exclusion area being put in place around it.
However, a group of SFA-approved match officials somehow noticed that Sviatchenko was several miles away, and mistook his casual stroll to the shops to buy milk for “running up to the cooling tower and bringing it down with a superhero-strength kick”.
The shopkeeper said “Mr Sviatchenko had just bought his pint of milk and laughed out loud when I asked him if he wanted to buy a newspaper, when a referee and two linesmen burst into the shop and said ‘We saw that! Causing a tumble like in the area is a clear penalty for the Compliance Officer to consider, and probably the police too.’
“I felt a bit sorry for him to be honest as he clearly had no clue what he was supposed to have done. But once these officials make their minds up, there is no arguing with them'”.
The SFA declined to offer a detailed comment although their automated reply said “Ha ha ha ha ha! What accountability?” as usual.
Erik Sviatchenko was approached for an interview, but is apparently out of the country kicking a tower in Pisa until it leans at a jaunty angle.
Brendan Rodgers is rumoured to be thinking “Match officials in Scotland? F*ckers, the lot of them”.
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…