Almost seen on Sky Sports today…
David Tanner: “A very warm welcome from the Planet Krypton. But when I say ‘warm’, I don’t mean that literally. Because we here at Sky don’t believe the wild theories of Marlon Brando about the local sun being set to go supernova any day now. He might have been good in ‘The Godfather’, but he knows nothing about the death spiral of stars.
“But down to business, we are here on Krypton to see newly-crowned SPFL Champions Celtic take on General Zod FC. Manager Terence Stamp is not in the Zod dugout today on account of being sent to the Phantom Zone – or ‘Sportscene’ as we call it – following conviction for crimes without number.
“We understand that Walter Smith had a prior commitment conquering another world, so the Zod XI will be managed today by Ross County’s Jim McIntyre. Although quiet what interest Ross County have in this fixture is anyone’s guess.
“With me today is Neil McCann. Neil – is this your first trip to Krypton?”
Neil McCann: “Err David, this isn’t Krypton. This is Dingwall. And there is difference between Dingwall and an alien world despite what people might say.”
David Tanner: “Well that’s an interesting take on things, Neil. Do you think it might aid Celtic that the Planet Krypton has been adapted to look like Earth today?”
Neil McCann: “David this is Earth. I think you might have watched the wrong DVDs while researching for this game.”
David Tanner: “So what sort of line-up do you think the Zod side will field? Do you think they will adopt a defensive formation like many others do against the Old Firm?”
Neil McCann: “Well most sides go defensive against this Celtic team. They sit in and hope to get a chance on the break or from a set piece. I can’t see Ross County doing anything different today.”
David Tannner: “But just how big a loss is Terence Stamp from the dugout? Do you think it might incentivise his players to give even more than they usually would against one of the Old Firm?”
Neil McCann: “David, this isn’t ‘Superman The Movie’. It’s Celtic against Ross County. We aren’t on Krypton. And Marlon Brando died years ago.”
David Tanner: “If we were on Earth Neil, wouldn’t you be sitting uncomfortably in case the tax man came calling for payments on your EBT?”
Neil McCann: “Hmmm. Do you know something David, you are absolutely spot on. Terence Stamp is a big loss to this Zod XI. Celtic could overrun the midfield without his tactical nous guiding the players. And I don’t believe this match is at risk of being abandoned due to the Krypton sun going supernova. Marlon Brando should have stayed for another Tango in Paris rather than come up with his wild theories of apocalypse”.
And if you think that the above is a load of surreal nonsense, check this out…