This is an urgent message to all of humanity. Please stop whatever you are doing and pay attention to the following announcement. The information you are about to read could save your life.
Reports have reached Clumpany Towers of a terrifying new threat which is stalking the land, striking bone-chilling fear into all who encounter it.
Some say that it is the product of an experiment gone wrong. Others say that it is a natural phenomenon from the darkest corners of creation. Many believe it to be an undead abomination which will steal your very soul as well as all of your money.
Whatever the truth, you are strongly advised to board up your houses, gather up all of your food and as much water as possible, and retreat to the most secure room you can find – preferably one without windows. Do not leave until instructed to do so by a member of the armed forces who will be wearing official ‘Apocalypse Management’ credentials around their necks.
Do not speak to – or trust – any strangers who are not wearing this accreditation. Danger lurks around every corner and disaster may strike at any moment.
Should you encounter the monster which roams the land, please stay calm. Do not run away. Walk slowly backwards, and do not take your eye off it until you feel it is safe to do so. Once you are out of danger you should inform the Apocalypse Authority of the location and time of your encounter. Under no circumstances should you return to the scene.
A full description of the terrible creatures which are now at large across the country is available from the BBC by clicking here.
However, if you do not have time to study the guidance in full, there are two key things which will help you to identify an imminent threat:
- The creatures appear to be zombies, and are clutching Rangers* share certificates in their decaying hands as if their undead lives depended on it.
- They utter one phrase over and over again: “We want our 20p from Dave King”.
Please, whatever you do, STAY SAFE.