Media, Satire, Sevco

Rangers* International Stereotype Football Club


Good Afternoon. [And please allow me to sound a ‘satire alert’ for the hard-of-thinking]

The Clumpany supposes it is possible that something got lost in translation, but assuming not, you really do have to take your hat off to Paperwork Pedro and the Evening Shark-Jump for combining to produce this little masterpiece:

Ice ice baby: Jonatan Johansson is Rangers’* cool influence says Pedro Caixinha

In an entirely predictable development, the ESJ finds itself running an upbeat story about the new Sevco No.3. People across the world will be aware that former Rangers player Jonatan Johansson was announced as Pedro’s right hand man a few days ago. Or is it left hand? Or is he the No.2’s right hand? Or his left hand? Who knows, but the key point is that after an exhaustive process Pedro has got the best man in to help with… errr… helping him.

Incidentally, The Clumpany found it curious to read Johansson’s previous boss – Finland manager Markku Kanerva – commenting a couple of  days ago that “We knew for some time Jonatan would join Rangers, but it wasn’t until this weekend that it was confirmed he couldn’t carry on with his role here.”

“Knew for some time”?!

Hmmm. It was only last week that we were being told that Pedro hadn’t made a decision following a series of interviews with everyone from John Brown to the cast of Fraggle Rock.

Browned Off

I am sure there is a perfectly sensible explanation for the apparent confusion.

But back to Pedro’s views on Johansson.

Here is how the ESJ piece begins:

PEDRO CAIXINHA believes Jonatan Johansson will be a cool and clinical presence in the Rangers* coaching team.

The Finn took to the training field at Murray Park yesterday in what was his maiden day as first team coach under the Portuguese after he beat off the likes of Alex Rae, Kevin Thomson and Peter Lovenkrands for the post.

There are appears to be many aspects of Johansson’s CV which made him attractive to the Ibrox manager during the recruitment process. From his playing exploits at Rangers, his coaching experience at Motherwell to his experience of life in general in Scotland.

Yet Caixinha has touted the ice cool Johansson to be just the man to cool the Latin spice which is now bubbling away on the Rangers touchline thanks to the new manager and his Portuguese assistant Helder Baptista.

“We tried to field three major points and it wasn’t an easy decision. First of all to have a Rangers past,” he said. “The second point was to know the Scottish reality of football. The third which was also important and made all the difference to directly get in our dynamic, our process and our methodology.

“Jonatan was elected with no disregards for all the others because for me it was a tough decision, and I really appreciate all the time and contact I had with all the other guys. But we chose Jonatan, we believe in Jonatan.

“He arrived yesterday and will be starting with us today. He will be one more assistant to add to our work because he’s a quality guy, he’s a hard worker, he’s a clever guy and if you join two types of bloods to make the balance in one technical stuff, it’s very important.

“We have the Latin guys who have strong blood, strong passion, maybe you need a little bit of ice from the north to put it in and calm down things from time to time.

“I think it is going to be a very interesting mixture.”

What in the name of all that is Holy is this guy talking about?

Latin spice?

Joining two types of bloods to make the balance?

Latin guys who have strong blood?

A little bit of ice from the north?

I am tempted to stop there [don’t cheer…] and leave you to marvel at the sheer magnificence of those remarks and ponder how they might have been received if uttered by another manager at another ‘club’.

But given that I am not renowned for shutting up, I feel the need to reflect on  what might come next:

  • Philippe Senderos expresses his delight at the daily Toblerone and the herd of Milka cows he has received from his new manger?
  • Pedro welcomes a French trialist, expresses admiration of his beret and tries to buy a string of onions from him to have with some smelly cheese on a baguette?
  • Sevco make special provision for guest kangaroos when they hear Australian fans are going to undertake an Ibrox stadium tour?
  • Pedro wonders if the crockery at No-Longer Murray Park should be replaced by plastic equivalents in case a new Greek signing wants to smash the plates?
  • Pedro sees a Viking helmet for sale in a charity shop and wonders whether he should invite Ronny Deila to be his new No.4?
  • Sevco play away fixtures dressed as cans of Irn-Bru to reinforce their Scottishness?
  • Sevco play home games dressed in bulldog costumes to reaffirm their Britishness?
  • Ibrox stages its first ever ‘Leprechaun Open Day’ in an effort to bring ‘a bit of Ireland’ to age group internationalist Rob Kiernan?! 😉

Remember, you read it here first…


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…