Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Sevco Are Better Than YOU


Good Evening.

The Clumpany was quite taken with this offering from the Scotsman, which must have resulted from literally milliseconds of browsing the Sevco website:

Rangers* star: No matter what people say, we’re better than Aberdeen

The article features the thoughts of Joe Dodoo, who is occasionally known to come on and do the conga. And when Dodoo does the conga, it’s conga night for sure. [Yes that is a terrible joke…]

Far be it from me to suggest that his comments appeared to betray a certain clichéd arrogance which some people readily associate with Ibrox-based clubs, but his comments appeared to betray a certain clichéd arrogance which some people readily associate with Ibrox-based clubs…

Here are the key passages from the piece:

Rangers* striker Joe Dodoo claims their 3-0 victory at Pittodrie was no surprise – because his team are better than Aberdeen.

Dodoo hit the third in a five-minute goal rush in the latter stages of Rangers’ victory on Sunday, but Aberdeen remain nine points clear in second place with six matches of the Ladbrokes Premiership season left. However, the former Leicester striker told the Rangers official website: “We weren’t surprised we beat them because we are better than them no matter what anyone says.

“Sometimes we aren’t winning games, but we do have more than them and if we exploit the right spaces, do the right things and make the right decisions, play as a team and continue to work hard we should be up there.”

Sadly Mr Dodoo did not elaborate on quite why Sevco – with their one season in the top flight, nine-point deficit, zero major trophies and no track record in Europe – are better than Aberdeen. However, The Clumpany wonders whether someone had been using the extra-strong Petrofac Cup polish, and it had addled his mind.

Remarkably, the rest of the piece is even more striking. Particularly the bits I am about to make up. Unable to restrain himself, Dodoo ‘goes on to suggest’:

  • The seats at Celtic Park have turned green with envy at his side’s brilliance.
  • He got a cheaper deal on his car insurance than YOU.
  • His car has got classier fluffy dice hanging off the rear view mirror than YOURS. They are free range fluffy dice, who lived a long and happy life.
  • He always gets to the supermarket earlier than YOU in order to get the pick of the reduced-price out-of-date food.
  • His Nando’s is cheekier than YOURS.
  • His front door bell plays a selection of six tunes, which is one more than YOURS.
  • He has outdone The Beatles and Joe Garner by having 30 Number Ones. He got them from a market stall, and might give a couple to his neighbours a few doors down who live at No. 11.
  • He has written to Spinal Tap to inform them that his amplifier goes all the way to twelve.

I hope you are now feeling as inadequate as Aberdeen Football Club must be…