Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Provocative Fenians And Catholics

Good Evening.

The Clumpany can only assume that some sort of Catholic Feniany flash mobs – led by His Holiness The Pope, Peter Lawwell and the head of the State Aid Deflection Unit at Glasgow City Council – did the following today:

  • Sneaked into Sevco fans’ houses in the early hours and stole their milk so that there would be nothing conventional to put on their cornflakes this morning.
  • While they were there, wallpapered their living rooms with shamrock wallpaper and pushed their beds against the wall so that they would have no option but to get out of them the WRONG side and slip on carefully-laid Irish-grown tricolour-coloured banana skins.
  • Blocked the roads to Aberdeen with giant anti-liquidation red cards, thereby causing Sevco fans to be heavily delayed.
  • Stormed on to supporters’ buses, held Mass, took their booze, and drank it in front of them.
  • Got to Pittodrie early and bought all the refreshments normally available to away supporters so that they would go hungry and thirsty.
  • Rigged up a series of pipes and pumps so that any away fans using the toilets received a very unpleasant shower.
  • Glued a cactus of the genus fenius roonye on to each of the visiting supporters’ seats.
  • Glued a photoshopped picture of the Pope declaring “it’s going to be ten-in-a-row!” on to the back of each seat. 
  • Hacked the Pittodrie PA system and ensured that the rebs were played before the match.
  • Left a ‘Rangers died’ t-shirt on each peg in the away dressing room.
  • Got the Aberdeen Chairman to agree to change his name to ‘Hector The Taxman’ for the day.
  • Arranged for Craig Whyte to be present to unveil a statue of himself in front of the away fans.

The Clumpany is pretty certain that these things must have happened. 

Because why else would a load of Sevco fans go to Aberdeen and feel the need to shout ‘Fuck The Pope’, and sing about being up to their knees in Fenian Blood?

Hopefully tomorrow’s papers will have the definitive answer…