Celtic, Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Celtic: A Disaster Movie


Good Evening.

It seems entirely fitting that The Clumpany has been slow on the uptake in spotting the latest scrawlings from no one’s favourite pundit, Kris Void, in a newspaper that I won’t name. 

Incidentally, I hear Kris Void once mistook ‘miss barn door’ for a beauty pageant contestant rather than a comment on his footballing abilities. 

But I digress.

The title of the piece in question (should you wish to look it up) was as follows:

THEY’RE GUNNERS. If Brendan Rodgers joins Arsenal, Celtic will lose Moussa Dembele, Stuart Armstrong and Kieran Tierney says Kris Boyd

And the article itself went something like this… 😉

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CELTIC supporters should enjoy the success their team is having right now…chances are it’s all going to go horribly wrong. 

Sure, with Brendan Rodgers in charge things are looking good at Parkhead.

But what if Arsene Wenger develops a teleportation machine and whisks the Celtic boss away faster than you can say “Beam me up, Scotty”

Does anyone think he’s going to be able to get a bus back from Mars, where Wenger has a holiday home? 

No. Because Rodgers would be on the first skateboard he could find. And quite rightly so. Because Martian skateboards are fantastic. But they don’t get you across the void of space very quickly.

Then where would Celtic be? I’ll tell you. Peter Lawwell would have a queue of players at his door, all asking for the truth about sudden rumours that Brendan has fled Earth before a massive asteroid hits it. 

It’s not at all hypothetical, except in a made-up sort of way. And I’m sure there will be Celtic fans reading this saying I’m desperate for that asteroid to come and ruin the Champions’ run at achieving ten-in-a-row.

But I’m just saying how it is. In the disaster movie I am planning to shoot on my iPhone in my back garden next weekend.

Celtic are worthy title winners this season and far and away the best team in the country, but things can change in the blink of an eye in football. Like when a massive interplanetary object causes your best players to flee to another far-away world.

Moussa Dembele could soon be on his way, whether Rodgers returns to Earth or not. He’s heard that it could soon start raining frogs over Celtic Park and he won’t want to harm any amphibians with his goal-bound shots. 

Kieran Tierney has a plague of locusts pursuing him and once he has spotted it… SLAP! That transfer request will go in.

Now Stuart Armstrong is an international player he is certain to fear staying in one place too long in case he gets caught by an earthquake. He’ll be hot-footing it out of Parkhead in no time at all. 

Lose three players like that, and suddenly Celtic’s squad has three fewer players.

It’s okay to say the club could get new stars in, but it’s not easy replacing quality players. Especially when a volcano could erupt in the East End of Glasgow at any moment. Agents don’t tend to see volcanoes as a plus when finding clubs for their players 

Time will tell what’s going to happen in the months to come. Because things tend to happen over a period of time. And months are a period of time. Like weeks, and days. 

But if I was a Celtic fan I’d be wary of milking things too much. Especially the 50ft-tall mutant cows who will lay waste to Celtic Park any day now.

Celtic could easily come back down to the level of Rangers*. History has shown that one of two things happen to successful teams:

They are abducted by aliens.

Or they… errr… succumb to a zombie apocalypse.

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Keep up the great work Kris. You are a credit to the paper.

#KeepOnClumping