Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Pedro Caixinha: Mr ‘Masterstroke’

Pedro made a huge breakthrough for the clothing industry when he proved that a scarf could be worn around the neck.

Good Evening.

Praise the Lord, for these are truly special times!

A genius walks among us!

And for the very first time since the last time, this stellar individual is the manager of an Ibrox-based football ‘club’!

The Clumpany speaks of Paperwork Pedro Caixinha.

This is a man who apparently breaks new ground of footballing excellence by [*gasp*] scouting Sevco’s opponents, and who has [*swoon*] “arrived for each of his two pre-match press conferences armed with impressive knowledge of their opponents.”

Yes, I know. If this was the Middle Ages he would be facing charges of witchcraft .

But his ‘sorcery’ does not stop there. Possibly through the use of toads, herbs, leeches and a cauldron he can apparently make awe-inspiring changes to his team DURING a game. And it has nothing to do with his hand being forced because players were ill and injured at half-time.

No, his side’s ability to outdo The Warbmeister’s Sevco outfit by drawing against Motherwell rather than… errrr… beating them is truly awe-inspiring, and will be saluted by humanity for as long as it continues to exist. However, if you don’t believe me, please take a moment to glance at the Daily Record for confirmation.

Yes, that really was a headline in the sports section of a major newspaper’s website.

Tactical masterstroke.



That headline strikes The Clumpany as turd-polishing that has been made into an art form and which is heading to the Louvre, where it will replace the skip-bound Mona Lisa.

It makes you wonder what other everyday Pedro activities the press might decide to excessively celebrate:

  • Pedro’s transport masterstroke as he puts round wheels on Rangers* team bus.
  • Pedro changes the world from his kitchen by discovering the secret of fire on his gas cooker.
  • Pedro’s Jedi knight credentials confirmed as he changes TV channel without leaving his sofa “He used the r̶e̶m̶o̶t̶e̶ ̶c̶o̶n̶t̶r̶o̶l̶  Force” explained a Rangers* PR representative.
  • Pedro transforms Britain’s tea-drinking experience by adding water to leaf-holding bag. “F*ck me, I have never seen the like” says a Tetley’s spokesperson.
  • Pedro leads campaign to reduce broken bones in Scottish football by recommending players train using modern lightweight footballs rather that blacksmith’s anvils.

Then again, maybe the Daily Record was simply completely mistaken about his talents…