Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Clueless Punditry

Good Evening.

Fair play to the Daily Record for providing some top quality entertainment today.

I often express my appreciation of the output of the Scottish sports desks (no, really…) but today I mean it in a particularly heartfelt way. Because the Daily Record’s pieces with Richard Keys, formerly of TV-AM, Sky Sports and talkSPORT were comedy out of the very top drawer.

In fact they were comedy off the wee shelf ABOVE the top drawer. You have doubtless read the pieces so I won’t offer a blow-by-blow account. However, if you haven’t seen them, and are happy to give the Record the hits, here they are:

EXCLUSIVE: Boycott Sky Sports until they pay a fair price for Scottish football – TV broadcaster Richard Keys

EXCLUSIVE: ‘Scottish football no longer exists’: Sky Sports chief’s call after deal flop revealed

The main focus of the pieces was the ‘poor deal’ which Scottish football gets from Sky Sports. The articles meant this ‘financially’, but as far as many of us are concerned, the poor deal also encompasses the quality of the Tanner-tastic presentation

As I have said many times before, the difference between Sky and BT Sport when it comes to our national game is like night and day. BT seems delighted to have the games to show, whereas Sky just appears to want to shake a fist in the air and cry ‘Old Firm’ as much as they possibly can.

But back to Keys. He correctly pointed out how little TV revenue the SPFL attracts (without really dwelling on the possibility that the people running it might be at least partly responsible) and told a tale about how Sky allegedly threatened to completely disown Scottish football when SPL executives walked away from a £60m offer.

He also suggested that he had long felt Scottish football didn’t enjoy enough of a profile across the U.K., and explained how he had tried to give it more coverage on his radio show. Bizarrely, the preparation for covering Scottish football during his time at talkSPORT seemed to consist of having a copy of the Daily Record brought to the studio. 

And it was at this point that the comedy in today’s articles really began…

Speaking of how he apparently brought the delights of the SPL to folk south of the border at a time when the mighty Rangers were experiencing financial difficulties, Keys had this to say:

Oh my! Just look at the nick of that comment!

Keys only knew what was going on at Rangers because he read about it in the Daily Record.

No, really.

Keys only knew what was going on at Rangers because he read about it in the Daily Record.


That may be a contender for ‘quote of the century’!

It is also worth noting Keys’ comment that talkSPORT effectively broke the Craig Whyte/ Rangers story in England because no one else was covering it. This assertion was one which Channel 4’s Alex Thomson rightly found amusing…

Mr Keys’ preferred source of information may explain why he seems to struggle with understanding what actually happened to Rangers in 2012.

Just take a look at this:

Heaven help us! Where do you even begin trying to deconstruct such complete and utter garbage? 

Certainly not by reading some of the Record’s own introduction to one of today’s pieces.

Quite how we are expected to treat these pieces with anything other than distain when they contain such epic torrents of unchallenged pish is beyond me.

Why would anyone choose to believe a single word of the articles when you can spot the revisionism (witting or otherwise) with the naked eye from the farthest reaches of the Universe?

What next? Keys ponders, “all these years on still no one can tell me why…”

  • Craig Whyte isn’t actually a billionaire? After all, my trusty Daily Record said he was!
  • There is a fixation over Rangers players having had side lettuce for so many years? It’s important for players to eat healthily.
  • People are under the impression that I no longer present Sky’s football coverage? I’m on every week. Aren’t I?
  • I stood at New York harbour for a whole year waiting for my voyage to the UK on the Titanic?
  • Every newsagent I go into has written ‘Snickers’ across the Marathon bars? How do they find the time to do it?
  • I haven’t got a refund on my tickets for that Samuel Beckett play? I paid good money to see Godot. I waited and waited and waited, and he didn’t turn up! I even hung around the stage door afterwards to try and get an autograph, but there was no sign of him.

The Daily Record should think about giving Mr Keys a regular column. It could provide literally milliseconds of entertainment*…


[* Yes, just like this blog… 😉]