Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Raiders Of The Lost Creditors

“Would you like to be the new Director of Football at Ibrox?”

Good Evening.

Not coming to a newspaper near you anytime soon…


Rangers* Step Up Search For Mysterious ‘Lost Creditors’

By A. Real-Rangers* Hack.

Rangers* are set to step up their search for something called ‘creditors’ of the ‘same club’ to put an end to ridiculous claims that they are not Rangers Football Club as a result of their minor financial difficulties in 2012.

Senior figures at the holding company, which keeps an engine room subsidiary in a rucksack, which then operates the ‘club’ via an elaborate series of levers and witchcraft are close to bringing a ‘local’ Indiana Jones-type archaeologist and explorer on board after being shouted at in the street by fans of other clubs.  These freaks have apparently insisted that Rangers* can’t possibly be the same ‘club’ as Rangers given that a CVA was rejected and 276 creditors were stiffed.

The appointment will leave the Director of War Chest Bullsh*t as the only position still to be filled, following the departure of all previous hopes of a sugar daddy.

An insider said: “I for one am sick of this ‘new club’ nonsense.  We took our entirely unnecessary and unfair, agenda-driven demotion on the chin. We then had the good grace to spread peace, love and harmony wherever we went as we selflessly climbed back up the leagues. Especially harmony. Have you heard our fans’ singing? It is second to none.

“So we have decided to call the bluff of the haters and get someone in to see if any of these so-called ‘creditors’ of Rangers* Football Club actually exist. But first we are taking a while to marvel at the magnificence of our recent minor tinkering with the various boards at this wonderful institution. You probably read about Operation ‘Nothing To See Here’ in the Daily Record the other day. We are very proud of these completely inconsequential changes. 

“I know there was talk of our search for creditors of the ‘same club’ being ‘imminent’, but that’s imminent in the grand scheme of things. The VERY grand scheme of things. Think ‘extremely grand’ and then think even more grand than that. And then a little bit more. Grrrrrrrrand!

It definitely won’t be tomorrow. And frankly the day after that isn’t looking too promising either. I won’t put a time frame on it. In the same way that you couldn’t put a specific time frame on the final heat death of the Universe. But we are thinking about it. Definitely thinking about it. Just as soon as we have made our way through every episode of Coronation Street since it started in 1960….  Oh, and then there’s The Archers to catch up on. From the very beginning.

“Once appointed,  we will have a conversation with our very own version of Indiana Jones. But first we will narrow it down to our preferred candidates. The successful one will need to buy into our concept of taking a really long time to get to the bottom of this ‘same club creditor’ crap. He has to appreciate what sort of answers we aren’t looking for, and be entirely comfortable with that. 

“You have to build good, lasting relationships, and that will be a key part of us bringing someone in. His relationship with our unique brand of historical revisionism will be vital going forward.

“In an ideal world, we will get our Dr Jones in and he’ll then go off to find the alleged creditors. That’s if life goes in a straight line, but very rarely does life go in a straight line. Particularly if you tie yourself in knots with liquidation lies.

“We will make contingency plans to ensure that if we don’t get someone in we will still snarl that we are the ‘same club’, and that it was the holding company which ran up the unpaid bills.”

When appointed, the explorer-archaeologist – who has already been dubbed ‘Indiana Sevco’ by the Internet’s lunatic fringe – will be given resources to conduct his epic search, including a pensioner’s bus pass and a bottle of Sanatogen. However, our insider knows that only actual cash can ultimately prove that Rangers* is the same club as Rangers should any of the mythical ‘creditors’ be found.

He said: “We are hoping that he will draw a complete blank, so we may confine his search to the boot of my car, just to make sure.

“But clearly we are very serious about preserving the history of this great ‘club’, and about being seen to do so. So if we have to keep spinning this yarn about appointing someone to find ‘our’ alleged creditors, we will do so.

No, really….”