Not coming to the Daily Mail any time soon…
Phwoar! Clumpany Legs-It In Revealing Outfit
The ethereal entity wowed onlookers with a near-naked display while engaging in some retail therapy last night.
By A. Sensationalist-Hack
Onlookers gaped in astonishment at The Clumpany’s revealing choice of outfit last night as it stepped out to buy a case of Buckie. The popular internet character is known for having a keen sense of style, particularly its always-immaculate pinstriped blazer, and occasional effortless wearing of a hat.
The nation’s favourite ethereal entity – which has been linked with a possible spell in the “I’m a Celebrity…” jungle – is rumoured to be planning a range of cutting-edge home furnishings. The ‘uncomfortable red chair’ has been seen on The Clumpany’s website for some time now, and top retailers are expected to become involved in a multi-million pound war to satisfy an insatiable public demand for it.
But it was The Clumpany’s risqué choice of trousers which caused heads to turn last night as it hit the shops wearing skimpy above-the-knee shorts!
“Phwoar!” said one onlooker! “I’ve seen some legs in my time. Mostly in your attempted newspaper, but those were something else!”
Celebrity pals have recently expressed their support for The Clumpany, which had suffered heartbreak over something or another, and which has lost weight on the current ‘fad’ diet (see pages 8, 9, 10, 16 and 25 for more details, and your voucher for a FREE feel-good placebo!).
However, the bold unveiling of its shapely legs is the surest sign yet that The Clumpany has put its troubles behind it, and is ready to make a splash on the celebrity circuit once again!
“You should have seen the way The Clumpany swaggered into the off licence” said another witness to the eye-popping events. “Those legs were amazing and it knew it! Passers-by swooned and asked for selfies with the luxurious limbs. I wouldn’t be surprised to see them making a guest appearance on Geordie Shore or Question Time in the near future.”
Upon learning of The Clumpany’s drool-inducing legs, Nigel Farage told this newspaper “They will be even better once the evil yoke of Brussels regulation has been peeled off them like a particularly painful wax strip. The British people demand both Brexit and Clumpany Legs-It, and they demand them now.”
The Mail understands that The Clumpany writes a blog about Scottish football or something. But who is interested in that when there are legs to ogle?