The Clumpany has been handed a transcript of a completely fictitious interview with Dave King, which was ‘conducted’ during his whistle-stop visit to the UK this week.
Hack: “So Mr King, it’s all going well at Rangers* then?”.
DK: “Funny you should ask that. Yes it is”. [*Stage whispers to the other side of the room*] “Well done Jim!”.
Hack: “How well?”.
DK: “Oh very well. Certainly as well as could be expected given the challenges we face. Not that the challenges are challenging, because it is all going well”.
Hack: “I think that most impartial observers such as me… ” [*massive random coughing fit*] “…excuse me, Mr King…. I think that most impartial observers such as me can see that it’s going well. But just how well is it going?”.
DK: “As I said, it’s going very well”.
Hack: “Would you like to put a number on it so that we can say ‘eleven-out-of-ten’ and do a wee graphic of a meter with steam coming out of it as the dial goes past ten?”.
DK: “Well, I would say nine out of ten”.
Hack: [*Crestfallen*]: “Oh. You wouldn’t perhaps say a bigger number? Like ‘eleven’? You see, we already have the graphic prepared because impartial observers such as myself think things have been going extremely well since the glorious regime change of 2015!”
DK: “Well perhaps nine-and-a-half out of ten is a good assessment of our work so far”.
Hack: “I guess we can say ‘modest chairman blushes at knowledge he is delivering eleven-out-of-ten progress’. And then use the graphic. Is that OK?”
Hack: “Great! So my next question is about whether you think things will go so well over the next 18 months that you will be able to score yourself ‘thirteen-out-of ten’?”.
DK: [*Sighing*] “I do have a plane to catch…”
Hack: “Yes of course. But it’s all going well at Rangers*, and will continue to go well, won’t it?”.
DK: “Of course. I didn’t want to take this challenge on. But we have got the club back on a stable footing, and if Mike Ashley didn’t refuse to surrender his retail deal, and if he didn’t keep scoring goals against us every weekend, and if he wasn’t responsible for our poor defence, and if the Takeover Panel wasn’t a subsidiarity of Sports Direct, I think you would see us running away with the league. The Champions League”.
Hack: “So you are saying that the wicked Mike Ashley has turned out to be wicked and is doing wicked things which are completely undermining your successful running of Rangers*?”
DK: “I’m saying that Mike Ashley is being unreasonable”.
Hack: “Yes, but he’s wicked as well isn’t he?”
DK: “I would say ‘unreasonable and vindictive’“.
Hack: “Yes, but ‘wicked’ works too doesn’t it?”
DK: “It’s not quite the word I would use”.
Hack: “But you could use it right now, couldn’t you? Wicked! Wicked! Wicked!”.
DK: ” I would certainly question Mike Ashley’s motives”.
Hack: “But Mr King, we have done a wee photoshop of Ashley as the Wicked Witch of the West, with you as heroic Dorothy, and Paul Murray as Toto the dog. You are throwing water over the Wicked Ashley Witch, and he is melting before your brave actions”.
DK: “Right. I see. So really, you want to discuss the board’s plans to reshape our commercial relationship with Sports Direct?”.
Hack: “We worked for hours on that photoshop, Mr King. Jim said you might sign it for us if we printed out a copy before you left”.
DK: “I’m afraid I have a taxi waiting to take me to the airport”.
Hack: [*Wiping a tear from his eye*] “That’s fine. I didn’t want to frame it and put it in pride of place in my living room above my ‘world record fourth tier attendance’ certificate anyway. One final question before you go, if I may?”.
DK: “Of course”.
Hack: “Would you have signed the picture if we had portrayed you as Superman? Because that was my first idea for the photoshop…”
DK: “Jim! Jim! Get this idiot out of here… ”
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…