Media, Satire, Sevco

A Complaint About Dave King


Good Afternoon.

The Clumpany has just been handed a breaking and completely made-up ‘story’ from a fictitious news agency.


Dave King subject of complaint by Rangers legend

The Daily Piss-Take understands that David Murray is very unhappy and has made a series of calls to the sports editors of Scotland’s newspapers.

Murray has seen today’s coverage of Dave King’s assertions about the wonderful progress that is being made at Sevco, and about how teams of elves and pixies are going to make all of its problems disappear just in time for the season book renewal period.

And he is livid, because during his entire ‘successful’ time at the late Rangers Football Club he NEVER had such an easy time as King is enjoying.

One observer at a prominent newspaper said “Sir David (we still call him ‘Sir’ don’t we?) was absolutely furious. You could see the phone practically leaping out of the editor’s hand, such was the force of the bollocking it was conveying.”

David Murray was long-rumoured to enjoy a generally upbeat relationship with the Scottish sports press, which was known to give him the benefit of the doubt about a number of things on the odd occasion.

“Sir David was screaming down the phone and the editor was white as a sheet”, said our insider. 

“He said his reign at the first Ibrox club was like being subjected to the Spanish Inquisition day after day compared to the treatment King is receiving. In fact it was like being in Guantanamo Bay and then someone tipping off the Spanish Inquisition that he was there.

“Sir David wanted to know what the hell was going on, why standards were falling, and why – if the press was going to start being really subservient and fawning – it couldn’t have done so when he was running Rangers. He told the editor that he couldn’t believe that things had got so bad, and wanted to know what King was offering them for dinner.

“‘Was my lamb not good enough for you?’ he asked. I bent over backwards to give you the best feelgood stories and moonbeam front pages, and this is how you repay me. You give the new guy in town an easier ride for offering you ‘stories’ about possibly having a new shirt deal in place, somehow appealing a final decision by the Takeover Appeals Board, and maybe suing the former manager and Nottingham Forest. A manager who he said had resigned!

“If I had known it was that easy there would have been no hover pitch, no super casino, no alleged £80 million transfer budget, no talk about separate teams for the league, cups and Europe, and I wouldn’t have said I’ll put a tenner down for every fiver Celtic spent. I would have said six pounds!”

David Murray apparently continued his tirade for several minutes without letting the editor get a word in edgeways. When he finally took a breather the editor explained that it was nothing personal, but that the paper was just adjusting its approach to changed times.

“He was very soothing with Sir David” said our source. “He explained that no one at the paper had any doubts about his enormous contribution to the pumping out of media bilge for over two decades. He also pointed out that during that time the papers had always tried to avoid asking any questions which might cause him difficulties or which might prompt an answer that fans and readers didn’t want to hear.”

His kind words seemed to be working until Dave King was mentioned once again, as the Daily Piss-Take’s insider explains.

“It was all starting to calm down, but then the editor pointed out that Dave King wasn’t giving the papers very much to work with at all, and so desperate times called for desperate measures. Sir David flew off on one again, pointing out that it should work the other way round. He felt that his high quality moonbeams deserved platinum-standard gushing and fawning, which he never received.

“‘Where is my statue outside your offices?'” he asked. “‘Why didn’t you rename your paper after me? I helped to make you what you are today! And here you are giving King such an easy ride that even the most unquestioning fan is going to start laughing at you. The 1990s and 2000s were the time to really lose your self-respect. Not now! It is so unfair. I have never been so insulted in all my life.’

“Sir David eventually hung up, presumably to go and berate another editor. Meanwhile, we went back to writing an article about how the share price of the airline taking Dave King back to South Africa was soaring by virtue of his mere presence. 

“By tomorrow morning we will have convinced the Rangers* fans that they are going to pump millions into the playing squad as a token of their appreciation.”

David Murray was unavailable for comment, and is apparently now off lamb. 😉



NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…


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