Celtic, Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

The Dead Club Derby


Good Evening.

Not coming to a newspaper near you any time soon…

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Celtic’s Permanent Victory  

Rangers’ record against Celtic in Scottish Cup semi-finals or any other fixture isn’t going to improve.

By A. Weeping-Hack.

Celtic haven’t lost to their bitter rivals in any competition for several years. Because they are dead. And one Celtic insider believes that Pedro Caixinha’s Ibrox side aren’t about to change that. Because they aren’t Rangers, and they do not possess the power to effect a miraculous resurrection.

The insider knows his history. Therefore he is not shocked to learn it is ages since Celtic lost to Rangers. 

Zero times the pair have faced off since 2012, and Rangers have therefore not given the Hoops a bloody nose at all.
Celtic haven’t lost against Rangers in 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016 or indeed 2017. Even when they have been on a poor run of form, and had players out through suspension, it has made no difference.

Our source said: “Aye. That’s because Rangers died. And when you kick the bucket you can’t kick a ball.  I remember their demise very well. HMRC came at them like a f*****g train and broke the fans’ hearts. Rangers ended up in the morgue after it.

“Years later, everyone remembers that Rangers met a sticky end after going out to nobble the game for years. Some have been given the instruction to pretend it didn’t happen. What a challenge that must be!

“I must admit that these folk caught me by surprise with how enthusiastically they went for it, and as a formerly keen reader of newspapers it felt like I’d been hit by a massive pile of manure

“To make matters worse ,Ally McCoist took charge of the tribute act. It was commonplace for that Sevco team to then get sympathetic coverage which pretended they were Rangers.

“Celtic have only played them a few times and lost once on penalties. But Sevco always get that vital ‘Rangers’ treatment as if they were one and the same, despite everyone with a brain throwing facts and mockery at their media cheerleaders.”

The insider insists none of the players in Brendan Rodgers’s side will be thinking about Celtic’s record at Hampden against Rangers as they bid to keep their Treble dream alive.

“Why should they? Unless they stop by the liquidators’ offices to lay a wee wreath and a card that says ‘Cheats never prosper’? They’ve got a game against Sevco to prepare for and they remain something of an unknown quantity after so few meetings between the sides.”   

“People talk about the gap between Celtic and Rangers, but there is no gap. Unless you count the wee gap between the door and outer casing of the fridge at the corporate mortuary.

“Celtic just have to make sure they go out and not play Rangers. Because Rangers won’t be at Hampden. They’ll be festering away nearly five years after they died.


“Celtic have to make sure that they turn up and play the non-Rangers outfit that will be on the pitch opposing them. They should be able to spot them because they will look just like Rangers. Except they won’t obviously be suffering from rigor mortis.

“Unless Senderos plays. Then it might get a bit confusing.” 😉

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And if you think that the above ‘article’ is insane, take a look at this creditor-mocking extravaganza from today’s Daily  Record… 😉


#KeepOnClumping

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