Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Sevco’s Exciting New Assistant Manager


Good Morning.

The Clumpany had a chuckle at today’s reports that both Barry ‘Yes Of Course You Can Have My Autograph, Kenny’ Ferguson, and John ‘Show Us The Deeeeeeeeeeeds’ Brown are in the running to be the new ‘Number 3’ at Ibrox, working alongside Paperwork Pedro and his assistant, Helder Baptista.

As a noted philosopher once said, what a time to be alive!

Since when did having a ‘Number 3’ at a football club (or indeed an engine room subsidiary) become a ‘thing’?! Since Sevco needed some season ticket-shifting ‘Rangers’ news to peddle? Or is it simply because you can’t have a prominent Real Rangers* Man holding a position at Sevco without according him some grand-if-meaningless title?

Who knows. However, I hear that with a ‘Number 3’ precedent likely to been set, further numerical appointments are absolutely certain to be made. With a grasp of figures typical of an Ibrox-based entity, we can surely expect the Sevco Numbers 1, 2 and 3 to be followed by the appointment of a new Number 6.

Having covered the ‘cheap, obscure manager we can assert is brilliant’ angle and the ‘real Rangers* Man’ bullsh*t, the next challenge will be to find someone of genuine star quality to REALLY sell those season books!

The person in question doesn’t have to be willing, they simply need to have recently resigned from their place of work. Sevco’s cunning recruitment plan – which involves gas, a hearse, kidnapping, an ornate Welsh coastal village, and white weather balloons – will take care of the rest.

Here is a short film of a recent practice run, which has been leaked to The Clumpany.

Be seeing you…




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