Celtic, Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Top Scientist Confirms The ‘Old Firm’ Is Dead

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Top Scientist Confirms The ‘Old Firm’ Is Dead

Dr Fu Mi Twice, who is a Fellow of Ethereal College at the University of Clumpery, said neither Celtic nor Rangers will suffer as the rivalry between them fades, because “Rangers are as dead as the proverbial dodo” while their city rivals Celtic “are doing very nicely now and couldn’t give a flying f*ck about shackling themselves to the bad memory of the first Ibrox-based club. Or indeed to its lame-arsed tribute act.”

By A. Hack (GCSE Science).

Under no circumstances should Celtic or any sort of ‘Rangers’ be teaming up to stoke a non-existent rivalry which is craved by the media and their credibility-seeking little pet ‘Sevco’, according to the leading Clumpologist.

Dr Twice said one club’s PR team might use adverts, social media and endless freely-given column inches and airtime to make a great play of ‘Old Firm antagonism’. Meanwhile, Celtic would play in the Champions League and cruise towards six-in-a-row without casting so much as a pitying glance across the city.

The Clumpologist said only one of the ‘clubs’ will suffer if the pretence of a rivalry between them fades, because Rangers can’t make any money in the morgue, and Sevco only have Celtic’s coattails to use as a money-making comfort blanket. 

Dr Twice has studied football derbies across Europe, including something he was told is known as the ‘Old Firm’.

By crunching decades of results, and reading the Evening Shark-Jump, he found that some alleged bitter rivals feed off each other’s success, so that when one of them does well, the other raises their game. Or in one case, ‘becomes consumed with envy and hubris and dies horribly after running up unsustainable debts, trampling over the rule book, and not winning the Big Cup’.

He suggested that hyping up the rivalry would mean that Sevco keeps feeling relevant – although to an ever-diminishing degree – and would supply a sympathetic local media with vacuous stories such as this one until the money finally runs out. It would also mean that Celtic continue to wearily say “who?” and “why?” in response to increasingly desperate leading questions about Sevco as they head to the airport to play fixtures at Europe’s top table.

Dr Twice, who is an academic at the University of Clumpery also said that Sevco should link players’ bonuses to how much is actually in Dave King’s warchest, rather than basing them on some Celtic-based fantasy metric.

He said: “If Celtic has a good striker, Sevco should think ‘that’s none of our business. Let’s ask the Chairman how much money we have to spend and use that to pay our bills, including player wages’. What my study shows is that this has not always been the case. If this trend continues, you can forget about any ridiculous pretence of there being an Old Firm. Because the Sevco fan will be seriously damaged by all the sh*t hitting it.”

“The nonexistence of genuine rivalry between the ‘clubs’ is not a problem just for Sevco. If its fans in the mainstream media are no longer interested in the remote possibility of Sevco absolutely hammering Celtic, this will hurt their identification with Scottish football as being a worthwhile thing.”

“So a closer collaboration between the marketing and public relations departments of Sevco is needed. The Sevco PR operation needs to adopt a highly technical strategy, which I like to call ‘getting on the blower to the usual suspects and giving them a bollocking for not hyping up the Old Firm or p*ssing on Celtic’s parade often enough’.”

When asked about Dr Twice’s comments, a Celtic spokesperson said “who?” and “why?”. Meanwhile, a Sevco representative gave your correspondent a bollocking for not hyping up the Old Firm or p*ssing on Celtic’s parade enough.


And if you think that article is ridiculous, take a look at this one…